


Memories of a Life Not Lived

by LdyAnne



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Friendship, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-03
Updated: 2012-03-03
Packaged: 2017-11-01 01:07:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 25,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/350301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LdyAnne/pseuds/LdyAnne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney wakes up in the infirmary.  A woman waits at his bedside who claims to have known him for the last year and a half.  Is it a sinister Pegasus galaxy alien conspiracy or is it something more?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The sound of the heart monitor was the first thing Rodney heard when he returned to consciousness. It was reassuring in its steadiness. That coupled with the fact that his sheets had that peculiar itchy quality to them that he only experienced in the infirmary told him where he was. He searched his memory trying to remember what had happened to land him in the infirmary this time, but there was nothing there, just the faint echo of pain that whited out everything else. At the moment the pain was far distant and he felt like he was cocooned in cotton.

'Carson used the good drugs,' was his hazy thought.

He took a chance and cracked his eyes open. The infirmary was a dim blur and he blinked trying to clear the fog that threatened to swamp him. He really needed to wake up if only for a moment and make sure the rest of his team was okay.

His team. That surprised him. When had he gone from thinking of them as 'those-guys-he-went-through-the-gate with' to 'his team?' Huh.

He blinked to clear the grit from his eyes and the blurriness resolved itself until he could make out shapes. He blinked again and Colonel Sheppard was there, bending over the bed, a hand on his shoulder holding him down.

"Hey, Buddy," John said softly.

Rodney blinked again to make sure John wouldn't disappear and to assure himself that he wasn't still in some drugged stupor, but John stayed reassuringly real, the hand resting on Rodney's shoulder warm and solid.

"You still with us?" John asked, one brow raised in query. His voice was weird, like it was coming down a long hallway.

Rodney opened his mouth to answer, but nothing came out. He licked lips that were chapped and dry. From his other side a spoon with an ice chip was pressed between his lips. He swallowed, letting it trickle down his throat relieving the dryness. He turned grateful eyes to the right, expecting to find Teyla or maybe Elizabeth. He was surprised to find someone he'd never seen before in his life standing there staring down at him tremulously.

The woman smiled, "Hey, Rodney, you scared us." Her hand slipped to his cheek and paused there, caressing it lightly with her fingers.

"I'm sorry...," despite the ice, his throat was still rough and scratchy. Rodney suspected he'd been intubated at some point while he was unconscious. "Do I know you?" He frowned up at her trying to recall if he'd ever seen her before.

Her mouth dropped open and she traded a swift, alarmed glance with Sheppard. Tears misted her eyes as she replied, "It's Jillian, Rodney, don't you remember?"

He studied her face trying to place her. She was pretty in a petite and brunette kind of way with green eyes and a scattering of freckles across her nose.

His gaze shifted to Sheppard, "Sorry... injured man here. Who is this woman... and why am I trying to remember her?" Rodney was growing increasingly more confused and he didn't like being confused.

There was a choked sob from the vicinity of the strange woman and Rodney was saved from her tears by Carson's arrival.

"Here, here, what's going on now?" he demanded. He took Rodney's wrist and turned a fierce scowl at Sheppard. "Jillian's just had a wee babe and should not be out of bed. Colonel would you help her please?"

Sheppard opened his mouth and it seemed as if he had something to say before shutting it again firmly. Rodney closed his eyes while Carson performed his check. He heard Sheppard and the woman moving away. Dimly he could hear her sobs. What? What had he done?

"How do you feel, lad?" Carson asked, his voice gentle.

"Like I'm going to be very, very sorry when you take away the good drugs. What happened? And who was that?" He levered his eyes open again to scowl up at Carson.

Carson's face creased into a concerned scowl. "You don't remember Jilly?"

"No, should I remember every strange woman who comes through Atlantis?" Rodney could still hear her sniffles and Sheppard's quiet murmuring as he tried to calm her. "She had a baby? Good, god, you let her have a baby here?"

"It's perfectly safe, Rodney, now calm down. And breathe for me."

There were so many questions Rodney wanted answered, not the least of which was what had happened to him, but he was drifting away again. The drugs were pulling him into the sleep his body needed to heal. And as much as he also wanted to find out why a strange woman thought he should know her, he couldn't stay awake any longer.

~~~~~

The next time he woke up, Rodney's mind was clearer and the pain was more present. He spent a minute contemplating the ceiling tiles, thinking that Carson really needed to do something to jazz them up and then patients would be in a better mood when they woke up in the infirmary. Maybe he could get a poster of Sam Carter to put up there. That would certainly make him happier to wake up in the infirmary every time.

He shifted a little and the pain spiked. He moaned and clutched the blanket, trying to ride it out. A face swam into view. Sheppard.

"Hey, McKay," he drawled, "how you feeling?"

Rodney cleared his throat, it felt like sandpaper, scratchy and unused. John picked up a cup of water and helped him to take a sip. He took it away before Rodney was ready, but at least his throat no longer felt like the Sahara had taken up residence there.

"Like natives shot me when I tried to take away their favorite toy," he rasped.

John grinned sardonically, "You go to the head of the class, you got it in one."

"Really? And you didn't stop them?" Rodney stared up at his friend. Sheppard appeared to be healthy and whole for a change while Rodney was the one lying in the bed, life was definitely unfair.

"Well, I tried, Rodney, but you pissed them off when you tried to take their holy relic. I had to work hard to just get you back in one piece."

Rodney didn't remember much, just the panic as the natives surrounded him when he got too close to their holy 'relic,' or ZPM as he liked to call it. And a lot of pain. It was probably better that he didn't remember it. He shifted again, more mindful of the pain this time. Still it spiked through his body and stole his breath away.

John's hand on his arm helped to ground him and he concentrated on its warmth until the pain receded enough that he could talk again.

"Crap that hurts," he muttered.

"You want me to get the doc?" Sheppard asked. His tone was casual, his concern was betrayed in his eyes.

"In... in a minute." Rodney licked his lips. He really wanted the good drugs, but he also wanted a few more minutes of coherence. "Who was that girl that was here before?"

Something crossed Sheppard's face, Rodney couldn't quite determine what. Concern? It was gone before he could identify it.

"Jillian? You really don't remember her, McKay?" His head cocked askance, frank disbelief was in his voice.

Rodney shook his head, remembering to keep the movement minimal. John's mouth tightened.

"Geeze, don't look at me like that," Rodney spluttered, "it's not like I don't remember you."

"Rodney, she's your... friend, you've only known her for like the last year and a half."

Rodney gaped up at Sheppard, not quite comprehending what he was saying. Was it even possible to forget someone that thoroughly?

"Where's John Sheppard and what have you done with him?" Rodney whispered, "Because I don't make friends remember?"

"Oh, come on, McKay, she likes you for reasons I can't quite explain. She sat up with me waiting for you to wake up. For hours I might add, and when you didn't know her, it really upset her." There was more, Rodney could see that, but he was too tired and in too much pain to push. "So just... go easy."

"Is she still here?" Anxiously he craned his head as far as he could without causing anything to hurt.

"Nah, the doc released her back to her quarters. She's there with the baby."

"She had a baby?" He remembered that from before, but he'd thought he had to be mistaken.

John smiled, soft and goofy, the way he did when there were kids around, "The first baby born in Atlantis," he confirmed.

It just astounded Rodney that they allowed a baby to be born in the city. Atlantis was a war zone most days, certainly not a place for babies. And babies were unsanitary and noisy. And they were bad for productivity. Every female in close proximity forgot they were supposed to be working when a baby showed up on the scene. Once he was up and around he'd certainly let Elizabeth know what he thought of the situation.

He moved restlessly, shifting without thinking and now the pain crashed in upon him. The room whited out and all he was aware of was the fire eating away at him. He heard John calling for Carson, but it was distant and he doubted that Carson could hear if John was only whispering. He spent an eternity with the fire licking at his insides before he felt a cool wave sweep through his body, taking the flames with it. Rodney sank into the blackness, grateful to leave the pain behind.

~~~~~

It was over a week before Carson let Rodney out of the infirmary.

His injuries had been severe and Rodney spent a lot of that time just sleeping, although he was aware a couple of times of a presence at his side. He slitted his eyes, not wanting to betray the fact that he was awake. Whenever it was the sad-faced woman he stayed firmly asleep. He just couldn't face the fact that he didn't remember her. It disturbed him a lot that he could just completely forgot someone whom he'd supposedly known for a long time. What else had he forgotten? What else of his genius had he lost?

When he voiced his concern to Carson, the doctor just scoffed at him. "You've not lost any of your 'brilliance,' Rodney," he was told in no uncertain terms.

"But how do you know?" he insisted, shifting nervously on the bed. "Is there some sort of tests you can give me to make sure my brain looks right?" he asked anxiously. Really, it was only his concern for Atlantis that made him anxious. It was his superior brain that had saved them time and again.

"Oh, and now I think you might be daft in the head," the doctor said, incredulous. "Usually I have to tie you down to get you in here for tests."

"But this is my brain we're talking about, Carson," Rodney said earnestly. "I need it every day of the week to save Atlantis. We could very well be doomed if there's something wrong with my brain."

The doctor coughed and Rodney couldn't be sure, but he might have been trying to hide a smile, "Trust me, Rodney, there's nothing wrong with your brain."

Rodney lay back against the pillow, his arms crossed petulantly, "Then why can't I remember this Jello person?"

It bothered him more than he could say that he couldn't remember her. Not that he was all that good a people person, and it had taken him nearly a year to remember Zelenka's name. But if he and this girl was such good friends, he ought to be able to remember something, anything, about her.

Carson sighed, "Jillian, Rodney, her name is Jillian."

The doctor crossed his arms looking down at his patient. Rodney had gotten Sheppard to smuggle in his laptop and he sat in the bed tapping away at keys. If it were anyone else, Carson would put his foot down. But Rodney became nervous and agitated when he couldn't work. For him, work was therapy. It had the further benefit that it kept him occupied so he didn't bother the nurses as much. So Carson did his best to make sure Rodney stopped working at a reasonable hour, got plenty of sleep and ate correctly while he was under the doctor's watchful eye.

"And I'm not sure why you can't remember her," he admitted finally. "You remember all the events of the last year or so. You just don't remember her. I think it's got more to do with your mental health, than with your physical health, so I'm recommending you see Dr. Heightmeyer once I've released you."

"Oh, please, like that's going to help," Rodney didn't even pause in his work.

"It might. And if you want to get out of here you're going to agree to it."

That got his attention. Rodney looked up sharply, his lips thinned, "Oh fine, use blackmail on me, why don't you?"

"I've found in my dealings with you, Rodney, that's the only way that works," Carson said in satisfaction. "Now, you're doing nicely. The colonel will be bringing you some clothes and I don't see any reason why you can't eat lunch with him in the cafeteria this afternoon."

"Well, thank you very much." Even so, Rodney perked up. His day was definitely improving.

"But..." the doctor stopped him as he started to climb out of the bed, "if I hear you're not keeping your appointments with Dr. Heightmeyer, I'll have you back here faster than the speed of light." He chuckled at his own joke.

Rodney blinked at him, "Did you just say 'faster than the speed of light?' Cause I have to tell you, it's not very funny."

"If you want out of here, lad, you'd best laugh," Carson said.

"Oh, ha ha. Anything else, Doctor Vodoo?" Rodney asked in his best snide tone.

"As a matter of fact, I want you to take it easy for the next week. Radek's been in charge of the lab this week and he hasn't blown anything up"

"Yet," Rodney qualified under his breath.

Carson ignored him and continued, "I'd like for you to only work half days until..."

"Oh, like that's going to happen," Rodney said with a roll of his eyes as he threw the covers back and clambered out of the bed.

Movement at the doorway caught his eye. Hoping it was Sheppard with his clothes, he looked up in time to see the woman, Jillian, start through the door. She was holding a bundle in her arms. She was so absorbed in it she didn't see Rodney for a second. When she looked up to find his eyes on her, she paused. She started to turn away, then she took a deep breath and stepped resolutely toward them.

"How are you doing, Rodney?" she asked, smiling tentatively. Rodney couldn't bear the hope that flared in her eyes. He wasn't sure what she was hoping for, but he knew he couldn't give it to her.

"I'm fine, just fine, Carson's letting me out of here, today," Rodney floundered. He was absolutely no good with women, even ones who weren't hot or physicists. So he had no idea where to go from there.

Carson, damn him, just stood back and observed, offering no help in the conversation whatsoever.

"I'm so glad to hear that. We were all worried about you." The baby in her arms stirred, letting out a soft cry. Jillian bounced it a little. Rodney just wished she'd go away. She made him feel strange with her soft, hopeful eyes and the smile curving around her lips.

"Well of course you were, Zelenka might have blown up the city without me to protect you," he huffed.

She giggled and Rodney started. He wasn't used to women giggling when he talked.

"Radek was very worried about you, too," she said.

The baby in her arms gave out another abortive cry, protesting the fact that she wasn't the center of the conversation, Rodney assumed. He recognized the tone of her cry having used it himself often enough. Suddenly, with no warning whatsoever the woman thrust the baby at him.

"You haven't met Maggie, have you?" Before he could protest, the baby was in his arms and there was nothing he could do about it.

He stared down at the bundle in his arms, mouth working but no words were coming out, until, "What kind of mother are you? Do you just hand your trusting, unsuspecting child to every stranger you know?"

She looked totally unrepentant, in fact she grinned, she actually grinned at him! "Rodney, whether you remember it or not, you are my friend and you really looked forward to Maggie's birth. You said you wanted to hold her. It's not that hard." Her frankly amused gaze matched his, challenging him and he broke and looked down before she did.

"Well certainly I work with delicate Ancient systems every day. I manipulate the power systems and forces of the Ancients with nary a blink...," he made the mistake of stroking a finger that was oh so small and soft and the baby raised her intense blue-eyed gaze to him and he was lost.

Even though she was not yet two weeks old, he could see the fierce intelligence in her eyes, the need and desire to know everything there was to know and suddenly he knew he was the one who was going to have to teach it to her. There was no else in Atlantis or back on Earth who would be equal to the task. She wrapped her little fingers around his and held on with an iron grip.

"So, how difficult could it be to take care of a baby?" he finished not really aware of his audience anymore, wrapped up and in love with the child in his arms.

"Well, I see we're all getting to know each other," Sheppard's sarcastic drawl drew Rodney's attention back to the infirmary. Sheppard had approached in his usual stealthy manner and stood lounging at the foot of Rodney's bed.

Rodney hurriedly pushed the baby back to her mother. Before anyone could say anything more, he snatched his clothes from the colonel and stalked to the bathroom wishing he could slam the door behind him. But the most he could do was think 'close' as hard as he could. The door didn't shut fast enough, however, to block the sounds of the laughter that followed him.

~~~~~

He took as long in the shower as he could. By the time he emerged the only person left was a disgruntled Sheppard. He sat on Rodney's crumpled bed, playing a game on the lap top that Rodney had left there in his retreat to the bathroom.

"That was rude, McKay," he stated in a no-nonsense tone.

"And you are surprised, why?" Rodney inquired.

He felt better for having showered, more human. All he really wanted now was to eat and return to work. Maybe once he returned to the familiar routine of his life he wouldn't be haunted by the thoughts of a green eyed woman and her bundle of baby.

He paused to bat Sheppard's hands from the lap top, closing the programs and snapping it shut. He tucked it under his arm and headed for the door without another word to the colonel.

When Sheppard saw Rodney was leaving without him, he hopped from the bed and hurried after him. "Hey, wait up," he called.

He fell into step beside Rodney entirely too quickly and walked easily beside him. John didn't say anything, but Rodney could sense that he wanted to talk about Jillian and why Rodney still couldn't remember anything about her. And Rodney didn't want to talk about it – to John, to Carson, to Heightmeyer, to anyone.

He didn't like the thought that there might be something wrong with his memory, it was something he had always been able to depend on without even thinking about it. He'd spent a lot of his time in the infirmary confirming that he still remembered things that he should know. He did calculations in his head to make sure that he still knew how. Everything seemed to be in order. But if he'd forgotten an entire person, would he know if he'd forgotten more?

Rodney just picked up the pace, even though he'd been in the infirmary for two weeks and he was quickly winded, he wasn't going to admit that to Sheppard. He was relieved when they approached the noisy mess hall. Maybe in there they could return to the rhythm of their normal relationship without a strange woman continually coming between them.

He loaded up his tray in the line and made his way to an out-of-the-way seat. Not that he really thought anyone else would want to sit with them. Sometimes he would find Sheppard sitting with other people, but no one else really wanted to sit with Rodney McKay. Maybe that's what bothered him about the woman, Jillian. She so obviously wanted to connect with him, and he wasn't used to that. She had to be crazy if she wanted to know him so much, and he always made it a point to avoid crazy people.

When Sheppard sat, Rodney perused his plate to see what he'd gotten that Rodney might be able to steal. Not that he would, but it was nice to have options.

"So," he made a stab at the mystery meat in front of him. With the Daedalus bringing them regular rations now, they weren't so prone to have to eat whatever the SGA teams could find. And yet it was sometimes hard to know just what it was they were eating. Not that he minded. Sustenance was sustenance, and his body had to have it. So, he usually just ate it without wondering. "Who is this woman and why is she stalking me?" he asked without preamble.

"Her name is Jillian, Rodney," Sheppard answered, his tone one of clear disapproval as he dug into his meal with a little more caution, sniffing the meat before he ventured to take a taste. He always ate slower than Rodney, usually eating a lot less. Which just left that much more for Rodney to steal, so it worked out for the good. He chewed and swallowed before answering, "She's having a hard time, McKay, just be nice to her okay?"

"I don't know why I have to be nice. I don't have to be nice to anyone else. What about her husband? How does he feel about her stalking me?"

Sheppard's face turned white and he swallowed too quickly, the food going down the wrong way. He coughed explosively, his face turning red and splotchy. Snatching up his water, he sipped it trying to get things settled. Still it was a moment before he could speak again. "I'm going to remember that you've been out of it for awhile, Rodney, and give you the benefit of the doubt," he said when he could finally speak again. "Her husband is... dead, he died on a mission just before their baby was born."

Suddenly the food in front of him didn't look so appetizing. Loosing her husband and a friend who didn't remember her all in the same week that her baby was born was enough to make any woman a little clingy and weird. It was no wonder she needed him to remember her. She probably needed her best friend to provide her some comfort and support, and Rodney had no doubt that he was her best friend, he could see it in her eyes every time she looked at him.

"Well, if someone would tell me these things," he spluttered, pushing his vegetables around on his plate.

"Now you know, so give her a break," John said. He leaned forward, his gaze earnest, "You really don't remember anything?"

Rodney kept his eyes on his plate as he shook his head. "Not a single thing. The first I remember of her is when I opened my eyes in the infirmary." He was struck by a sudden thought, "Oh, you don't think she's some kind of alien do you? That's infiltrated the base?" The words tumbled out as he warmed to his theory, "She's managed to insert herself into everyone's consciousness, but mine. Maybe because my brain's special or because I was wounded or something and it messed up my brain chemistry. It happened at the SGC once."

Sheppard just regarded him in stunned surprise, mouth half open. He finally snapped it shut and stood, slamming his chair back from the table.

"You are a piece of work, McKay. You would do anything to keep from admitting that someone might need you for something, wouldn't you?" With that, he took his nearly untouched tray and dumped it, leaving Rodney sitting alone.

~~~~~

Rodney finished his lunch, doing his best to not think about John's outburst or a woman suddenly without a husband and a best friend who had forgotten her. How had that happened anyway? He was no good with women, he never had been.

Physics he could do, physics was simple when compared to women. They said they were alright when they weren't. They expected you to remember things like birthdays and anniversaries and the color of their eyes. They asked stupid questions like, 'does this dress look good on me?' Then they got mad when you told them the truth. How was a man supposed to deal with that? But somehow it had happened. He had a women who was a best friend and he didn't have any idea how to recreate the conditions that lead to that outcome.

He ate by rote because he knew he should, but he didn't taste anything, it might as well have been ashes on his tongue. When he finished up, he stood irresolutely, unsure where to go or what to do with himself.

He should go to his quarters, he was tired and achy, but he knew he'd feel better if he stopped at the lab first and checked on his people. He really did consider it a miracle that they hadn't managed to blow up all of Atlantis in his absence, and he'd just be able to rest more comfortably if he checked on things. Beckett had told him to take it easy and only go back to work in half shifts. Yeah, like that was going to happen.

When he left the mess hall his steps took him in the direction of the labs. He'd only stop in for a minute he told himself.

And, just as he'd expected, there was an emergency with the city's power supply. He waded in, helping to avert near disaster. It was late in the evening by the time he made his way through the quiet corridors to his quarters. He was drained and hurting, thinking maybe Carson had something with the whole half-shift thing, not really paying attention to where his feet were taking him.

He was surprised when he looked up, his hand on the control to open the door of what he'd thought was his quarters when he realized he was in a new part of the city, one he didn't remember ever seeing. Before he could move, the door slid open and Jillian stood there, staring at him. Behind her, Rodney could hear the baby crying at the top of her lungs. He was surprised the sound didn't trigger the city's automatic defenses.

Jillian herself looked tired, her face was pale and there were dark circles under her eyes. She hadn't looked that bad in the infirmary, had she? He was embarrassed to admit that he didn't remember, he'd just wanted her to go away.

Her eyes widened to see him standing there and he saw a brief moment of joy flit across face. For a moment he was afraid she was going to throw herself into his arms and he took an involuntary step back. She was smart, he had to admit that. She understood immediately that he wasn't at her door because he suddenly remembered her, the joy was gone and she just... shut down.

"Rodney," she said, shifting uncertainly, "I... did you... want something?"

"I... uhm... well, I just wasn't paying attention to where I was going and I ended up here. Even though I didn't know here was here." He peered past her into the room, it was larger than his and he could see there were doors into other rooms.

She leaned against the door jam, the weariness radiating off her body in waves, "We opened up this section a few months ago, Rodney, when people started getting married. They're actual apartments. Do you want to come in?"

Rodney could see that she was just being polite. As much as she might want him to remember her, at the moment she just wanted him to leave. He had enough experience with people to know when they just wanted him to leave. "I... uh.. no, I don't want to bother you. I just got lost that's all."

Her lips curved then, in a bare smile and unexpectedly his heart tore to see it. He found himself wanting to hold her close and take away the pain he could see she was doing her best to hold at bay.

"Well, good night then, it's... nice to see you." Suddenly he didn't want to leave her then, he wanted to stay. He wanted to make her smile as she had earlier. He wanted to take the baby in his arms again and rock her until she stopped crying.

But he didn't know how to say it and then he was too late to say anything as she stepped back and the door slid shut in his face. "And you, too," he said to the closed door.

Not knowing what else to do, he turned in the direction where he thought his own room lay and walked slowly away. He didn't take too many steps before he decided that he wasn't going to do it, he was going to go back and offer to help however he could.

He turned in time to see someone else standing at Jillian's door.

At first all he could see was a shadow in the dim corridor. Then the door opened and light from the room bathed the corridor in a golden glow and Rodney could see that it was John Sheppard that stood there at Jillian's door.

Jillian threw herself into his arms, sobbing wildly. He was too far away to hear what they said, but he saw John smooth a hand down her hair as he patted her back soothingly. Rodney watched until they moved back into the room and the door slid shut blocking them from his view.

~~~~~

Rodney spent the next day avoiding both Sheppard and Jillian. It wasn't hard when he locked himself into his lab with the excuse that he needed to concentrate on calculations and he couldn't do that with the rest of his staff muttering around him.

It actually worked the first day. Radek made a token attempt to get back into the lab, but soon gave up and went away. There was really only person who might be able to get in and Rodney took extra steps to make sure he couldn't sweet talk the city into letting him in.

Rodney was feeling a little smug when he made it to the second day without anyone managing to gain entrance into the lab. Still he wasn't altogether surprised when he heard the sound of the door opening behind him and the scrape of Radek's chair as John pulled it over to sit down next to him.

"How in the hell did you get in here?" Rodney demanded without looking up. Even so, he could feel John's satisfied smirk.

"What can I say?" John replied. "Atlantis loves me best."

"Oh, please, like that's even possible." Rodney just kept typing as if the calculations he was working on might mean the difference between life and death. And they might have, if Rodney actually knew what it was he was working on.

"Seriously, Sheppard, how did you get in here so I can fix it next time. In case you didn't notice, I was trying to keep your ass out of here."

"Seriously, McKay," John answered in the same snide tone, "if I told you, I'd have to kill you."

"Oh, haha. You know that wasn't even funny the first time you used it, right?"

Instead of his usual snide rejoinder, John's voice was serious and concerned when he asked, "What's up, McKay?"

"Oh, you know, the usual – life, death, imminent destruction. So why don't you leave me alone, so I can get back to it?"

John refused to take the hint. In fact he went way past annoying and straight into pain-in-the-ass when he reached over and put his hands on top of Rodney's, making it impossible to type.

"What do you think you're doing?" Rodney demanded belligerently. "This is very important work I'm doing here."

"I'm sure it is," John said patiently. "And I'll let you get back to it when you tell me what has crawled up your ass and died."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Rodney replied stiffly. John's hands rested on his, weighing them down. He wanted to pull them back, but he didn't want to look like an idiot if Sheppard wouldn't release them. That was all he needed.

"You really are Captain Kirk, aren't you?" Rodney spat out. "I mean her husband's only been dead, what...? Two weeks? And you're already visiting the grieving widow in the middle of the night." McKay's gaze challenged John to deny it.

Instead of the righteous indignation Rodney expected, John had the temerity to laugh. He leaned back in his chair, releasing Rodney's hands.

"Is that what this is about? Hell, McKay, for not wanting to talk about someone, you've done nothing but talk about Jillian every time I've seen you lately."

Rodney opened his mouth to protest, but John stopped him with an upraised hand, "I don't know what you think you saw, Rodney, but she needed a shoulder to cry on and mine was available."

"But why you?" Rodney snapped, "Aren't I supposed to be her best friend?"

John leaned back and studied Rodney like he'd just grown a third eye in the middle of his head, "A friend who has completely forgotten her and runs the other direction whenever he sees her coming down the hall."

Rodney started to say 'of course he didn't,' but he couldn't in all honesty, because he did. The whole thought of forgetting an entire person in his life just had him so freaked out.

"Alright then," Rodney said, "tell me about Jillian. Why is she here at Atlantis?" A thought seized him, "She does have a PHD, doesn't she? Oh, God, what's her IQ?"

John grinned wolfishly and Rodney was suddenly afraid, "Why don't you ask her, McKay."

With a chill, Rodney realized John had finally figured out his Achilles' Heel. He never had been able to resist a mystery. It was part of the reason he followed those damn energy readings on every single planet they visited. Over and beyond the fact that it might signify the presence of a ZPM, he just had to know what was causing the signal. It had gotten them into a fair amount of trouble more than once and he knew it would again.

And Jillian was a mystery he wasn't going to be able to resist following. The fact that he was supposed to know and care about her was enough to pique his curiosity. The fact that she seemed to like him, too, just made it that much more irresistible.

"Maybe I will," he crossed his arms defensively, hoping Sheppard wouldn't call his bluff.

John stood, smiling at Rodney, knowing that he'd won. "You just do that. I'm sure she'll be glad to tell you anything you want to know." He started to the door and the damn thing slid open before he was even close enough to trigger the sensor. Atlantis really did like John best.

John paused and turned to look back over his shoulder to see Rodney still standing there, arms crossed mulishly. "I'm going to go get lunch. You coming?" He didn't wait for an answer. He just left, the door swishing to a close behind him.

His calculations were still waiting. The cursor blinked on the computer screen with a kind of manic energy that he could identify with. It seemed to be telling him that he really needed to finish the calculations, Atlantis was depending on him. Life and death was hanging in the balance.

With a sudden decisive mood, he saved his work and powered down the computer. Then he hurried after Sheppard. It was only because his blood sugar was low, he told himself. It had nothing to do with the fact that he thought he might be able to pry more information from his friend.

~~~~~

It was the height of the lunch hour in the Atlantis mess hall. The room was crowded with people eating and talking and just generally taking a couple of minutes to sit and relax. Normally the busiest meal of the day, the place was even busier than usual because the Daedalus had just arrived with fresh supplies from earth. There was no telling what Earth-based delicacies they would be seeing. Rodney had seen an email in his box that suggested there might be pudding cups for desert. He had figured at the time that it was just another ploy to try and pry him out of the lab.

When John and Rodney arrived, the line was spilling out of the mess hall into the corridor. Still the people waited patiently, talking and joking, for whatever their surprise meal of the day was.

While the menu was always posted a week or so in advance on the community billboard, it was always covered over with duty rosters and notes about movie night and whatever the latest betting pool might be. Still, they tended to fall into a routine between supply runs: Monday was mystery meat, Tuesday was the mystery casserole, Wednesday was Sloppy Joe surprise – the surprise being there was no actual meat in the burgers, all the way to Sunday's feast of leftovers.

But when the Daedalus arrived, meals were a complete and total surprise. The cook threw out the menu and surprised everyone for a couple of days with stuff that tasted like it might actually be fresh and of earthly origin. And today looked like it might be one of those days with the people in line crowding and jostling, trying to get a look at what everyone else was eating. If the smell wafting down the line was anything to judge by, it was pretty damn good.

Rodney felt his mood lifting just from the smell alone. Radek passed him with a spoon and a pudding cup. His eyes were glazed and he looked like he might be having a religious experience. He paused when he saw Rodney.

"So glad you locked me out of lab. Was first in line for pudding cups," he waggled his spoon at Rodney and John, then he wandered away, taking small little bites of the pudding, savoring it as if it were the finest of culinary delights. Rodney thought he detected lumps in Radek's jacket that signified more purloined pudding cups. He took a step after Radek to track him down and retrieve them when John caught his arm and pulled him back in line.

"If there's none left when we get there, Sheppard, so help me...," Rodney muttered.

"It wouldn't hurt you to forego a pudding cup or two, McKay," John informed him, poking a finger into his ribs.

"I'm still recovering I need to regain my strength," he retorted, craning his neck as the food table came into view. And then he stopped as he saw who was working the food line. Standing behind the food tables, spooning out food onto plates and handing them to the people who passed, was Jillian. He almost turned and left, his appetite suddenly gone, but John had his arm and wasn't letting go. He shoved Rodney forward.

"Just say hello, McKay," he hissed into Rodney's ear. "That's all you have to do."

"I wasn't going anywhere," Rodney denied hotly, his ears burning.

She was busy serving, and didn't see him waiting in line so he took the opportunity and studied her while she was unaware of his presence. She looked tired and drawn, the shadows under her eyes were even more pronounced. Her dark hair was lackluster and pulled back into a sloppy pony tail.

She carried the baby in a sling which wrapped around her body leaving her arms free to serve. She would show off the baby to everyone who walked by. She smiled and he even heard her laughter ring out a time or two, but it never reached her eyes. Her eyes were just sad and longing.

He felt a little lump in his throat and he wasn't certain why. Because everyone knew that he would never care about a woman and her baby. He didn't even like babies. They were smelly and cried a lot. Except he remembered holding Maggie in his arms and she hadn't been smelly at all. She'd had a fresh clean scent like powder and springtime.

The line moved forward and John and Rodney with it. They finally reached the food table and someone handed Rodney a plate. He put out his hand to take it, not really thinking about it, he was still watching Jillian and Maggie. Maybe she could feel his gaze on her, because Jillian chose that moment to turn. She smiled at him, and Rodney felt something inside him squeeze. Then she frowned and gasped.

"Rodney, don't touch that plate," she snapped in an authoritative tone to rival his own. He pulled his hand back a fraction and hesitated. The food smelled good and he was hungry. What was the problem?

She must have seen him about to voice the question because she said simply, "Lemon Chicken."

Rodney snatched his hand back as if burned. Around them the room fell silent as everyone turned to watch.

"What?" He couldn't even believe they would serve such a thing in the Atlantis kitchen. Didn't they know they were going to have to wash and sterilize everything now? He couldn't eat anything that had touched citrus. Before he could work himself into the tirade the situation deserved, Jillian descended on the poor hapless marine who had handed Rodney the plate.

"What part of 'do not under any circumstance serve that to Dr. McKay' don't you understand? Are you stupid or are you trying to get your merit badge in anaphylactic shock this month?" The marine, someone trained in hand to hand combat and who probably knew 101 ways to kill without trying, backed away from the small woman who was only armed with a lethal glare and a small baby.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, I've only been here a couple of days, I didn't know who Dr. McKay was," he stuttered.

"That's why there are pictures in the kitchen of everyone with special dietary requirements and notes about what they are. Now go do the dishes before I make you change Maggie's diaper."

The man's face drained of all color, he didn't argue, he just turned sharply and made a strategic withdrawal to the kitchen. Dishes seemed the safest option for everyone involved. Jillian huffed out a breath before she turned to Rodney.

"Oh, god, Rodney, I'm so sorry," she said.

He waived a hand, a little afraid of her himself. "It's alright, no harm done."

They stood staring at each other. Jillian just seemed to be drinking him in as if she were thirsty and he was the best water she'd ever tasted. For his part, Rodney was truly impressed at the way she'd just cowed the marine and his opinion of her was definitely changing. Sheppard cleared his throat to remind them that there was other people waiting in the line to eat.

"Fine, fine," Rodney said with rolled eyes and a wave of his hand, "is there anything here that I can eat that won't, oh, kill me?"

Jillian laughed and disappeared into the kitchen. She returned quickly with a covered plate in her hand which she handed to Rodney. He took it with a decidedly doubtful look.

"I fixed it myself, Rodney, guaranteed citrus free," she assured him.

When he started to protest, she rolled her eyes and plastered on a patently patronizing smile, "I sterilized the equipment AND only used equipment that was not touched by the demon citrus."

Rodney heard a cough from Sheppard that sounded distinctly like a laugh and he turned a glare in his direction, "Oh, yes, make fun of the man with the allergies that could kill him. I'd like to see you trying to save Atlantis when I've died from Lemon Chicken."

Jillian didn't even try to hide the giggle that broke out. Some of the personnel in the line around them also tittered and her grin disappeared and she fixed them with her own glare of death. It was very good, the titters died out instantly.

"Come on, chicken man, let's find a table so some of the people behind us might have a chance at the chicken of death." Sheppard spared a last grin for Jillian before he steered Rodney away to an empty table in a quiet corner of the room. Rodney sat his plate down a little afraid of what Jillian might have found for him in the Daedalus's supplies.

He closed his eyes as he lifted the cover . When then the savory scent made it to his nose, his eyes snapped open and he gaped down in astonishment at what he saw there.

"I think I'm in love," he pronounced taking in the lovely little steak, cooked just the way he liked, extra well done. Next to it, all tucked up in foil with rivers of sweet golden butter pooling in it was a baked potato. As if that bounty weren't enough, there were also carrots, orange like they were supposed to be, not brown and knobby like the ones they'd traded for that always tasted more nutty than carroty.

"Where did she get this?" he asked out loud in awed wonder. Not that he expected an answer, it was a rhetorical questions. He really didn't want an answer because if Jillian had killed someone or blackmailed someone to get him this largess, he didn't care. He had steak, that was all that counted.

Of course Sheppard had an answer. He always had an answer, "She's Elizabeth's assistant," he said as he speared a carrot from Rodney's plate. "She probably just ordered it."

"Elizabeth has an assistant? Since when does Elizabeth have an assistant?" Then his brain caught up and he realized he didn't care because he had steak. He was beginning to see the up side to being Jillian's friend. And this was when he didn't even remember her.

John speared another carrot and Rodney frowned at him.

"Keep your lemon tainted fork away from my food," he growled. curving an arm over his plate to protect it from John's plundering.

John just grinned, feinted in one direction with his fork. When Rodney shifted that way to protect his bounty, John moved in on his unprotected flank to snag another carrot. Rodney scowled, moving down a seat, taking his plate out of the other man's reach.

Ronon and Teyla arrived and Ronon inspected Rodney's plate with interest, inhaling deeply.

"That looks good," he said. "Wanna trade?" He waved his plate in Rodney's face with its lemon chicken and the carrots that resembled sticks.

Rodney moved yet another seat down. He hunched over his plate, cutting the steak awkwardly as he tried to keep a watchful eye on his teammates.

To say the food was heavenly would have been a disservice because Rodney was sure that as good and pure as you were supposed to be in the afterlife, they didn't have food like this there. The steak was perfect and he chewed slowly, savoring every bite. The potato was light and fluffy and the butter ran down his chin, staining his shirt. The carrots were steamed just the way he liked them, too, so that they were still firm and crunchy. They were so sweet, too, better than any candy. Rodney honestly couldn't remember enjoying a meal more. It was made all the more sweet by the envious comments coming from Sheppard and Ronon. He just waved his fork at them and kept on eating.

It occurred to him that he really ought to thank Jillian. He cast a glance back at the food table but she was gone. Someone else had taken her place serving the last few stragglers to lunch. He felt an odd pain of regret.

Then her voice behind him, made him start, "Hey, you forgot your desert." She dropped into the empty chair between Rodney and Ronon. She was carrying the baby in her arms and from the sling she pulled out pudding cups – two for each of them. She distributed her booty, grinning at their delighted shouts.

It was the simple pudding cups that finally convinced Rodney that it was all true, that Jillian really was who she said she was, she'd been on Atlantis for awhile and she knew them all very, very well. She placed the chocolate cups in front of Rodney's plate, the butterscotch cups were for Sheppard, vanilla for Teyla and a combination chocolate/vanilla for Ronon.

Rodney just watched, clutching his treasure close as the others dug in – Teyla was delicate, skimming the pudding off the top and taking small bits. Ronon gave up all pretense of civilization and used his fingers to dip out the sweet confection, licking them appreciatively and swirling his fingers in the bottom of the cup to get all the sweet gooey desert stuck in the corners. John just took a couple of bites before putting the foil back in place to save the rest for later.

She knew his team as well as Rodney did.

"How did you come by these?" Teyla asked between bites. "We were told there were no more."

Jillian grinned, "Oh, there's always a stash if you know where to look." She glanced both ways and beckoned them in conspiratorially. "And I threatened the cook with Rodney over the whole lemon chicken debacle." She giggled, "I told him it was going to end badly and he just didn't believe me, he insisted that everyone would remember Rodney was allergic to citrus and no one would serve it to him."

Their shoulders brushed and Jillian leaned in towards Rodney putting her head on his shoulder with an unconscious sigh. He had his arm on the back of her chair and it was the most natural thing in the world to let it curve around and caress her shoulder.

At his touch, she jerked away, her eyes wide with an almost feral quality, "I'm sorry... Rodney."

He tried to stop her, tell her it was okay, but she was gone before he could even get his mouth open.

"Way to go, McKay," Ronon said around the fingers in his mouth.

"Oh, just shut up and eat your pudding," Rodney snapped back. But his heart wasn't in it. He stared at the door where Jillian had disappeared, a plan forming in his mind.

~~~~~

It was a good plan, too, if it hadn't been derailed before he could even put it into motion. His intention had been to just stop by the lab, let Radek know he was in charge for the rest of the day, then he was going to go pursue the mystery that was Jillian. He knew he was snarky and cranky and bad with people, but Jillian seemed to like him anyway and who was he to fight it?

Except when he got back to the lab, someone called saying they'd triggered something in one of the new sections of Atlantis they were exploring. Of course it was something that required Rodney's immediate attention.

When they arrived he discovered an orb-like object that was growing in size and temperature. It was super heating everything around it. Doing the calculations quickly, Rodney found that within hours it would expand beyond the size of the room it was currently housed in and it would become hot enough to bake a good portion of the city, probably reaching flash point and bursting into flames long before the baking happened. Since the part of the city they were working in didn't have a fire control system in place yet it would be bad – very, very bad.

Rodney and his team worked doggedly, trying to figure out how to turn the thing off or move it out of the room. Someone suggested they just chuck it into the sea, but by then it was too hot for anyone to get near it. They couldn't even approach it dressed in protective fire-retardant clothing. Anything they tried to move it with melted or burst into flame.

Carson hovered at the closest safe distance. He and his team treated the burns as they happened, pushing water on everyone he encountered. It didn't look good at all.

The situation was out of control and Rodney's panicky thoughts turned to Maggie. He had a vision of her going up in a small puff of smoke. He called Sheppard and Elizabeth. He advised them to begin evacuating the city to the alpha site, just in case. He really didn't want to say the words, 'we're all going to die' but it was hard not to watching the orb-thing glow malevolently thwarting their every effort to get near it by just upping its temperature a few more degrees. To say it was hot was an understatement.

Rodney hated being hot. It made him sweaty and his clothes stuck to him in uncomfortable places. Still, he just wiped the sweat from his forehead and continued working because there was no way he was going to die before he found out more about Jillian and got to hold Maggie one more time.

In the end it was Radek who had the idea that saved them all. They used the Asgard beaming device on the Daedalus that was still in orbit above the city to beam the thing into space. Where it exploded – forcefully. The energy measured would have destroyed Atlantis several times over.

After it was all over, Rodney and his team just sat and stared at one another stunned. They were all sweat-soaked and wrung out from too much adrenaline and too many hours spent baking in the heat put off by the device.

"We could have used that in Antartica," Rodney said finally.

"Yes, if you wanted to melt polar ice caps and flood the Earth," was Radek's biting rejoinder.

Wearily they all levered themselves up and made their way back to the inhabited part of the city.

"We need to put up a sign," Rodney said as they trudged along. "A do not touch anything with talking to Dr. McKay first sign."

Radek didn't bother to answer, he just nodded in weary agreement.

When he got back to his quarters, Rodney set his environmental controls to an arctic temperature and showered. Setting the water to tepid, he let it cascade down his over-heated body. When he finally felt a little more human, he turned the shower off and climbed out. Remembering Carson's final admonishments to drink lots of water, he gulped some down before pulling on a t-shirt and boxers and falling into his bed and giving up to sleep.

~~~~~~

When he woke up, Rodney wondered if he shouldn't have just gone straight to the infirmary because everything hurt. Of course spending hours in unrelenting heat would do that to a body. Especially when that body has just been released from the infirmary only days before from its previous life-threatening injuries.

He decided he didn't really want to get up and go to the infirmary for Tylenol, he just wanted to lie in his cool bed and not move again, ever.

Except once he was awake, his brain engaged. He had planned on going to see Jillian, see if he could help her out. She had looked so tired and worn at lunch. It had to be hard to be a single mother, especially in a place like Atlantis. The constant threat of the Wraith meant they were all pretty much in fear for their lives 24/7. To have a child under those circumstances meant she was pretty stupid or pretty courageous. From what he'd seen in the mess, Rodney would bet on the latter.

He shifted and groaned as sore muscles protested the movement, he just wanted to go back to sleep. Except once his brain was engaged there was no going back to sleep. He cast a sleepy eye at his clock – it blinked a red 2:30 at him. It was too late to go see Jillian, so he had to find something else to do to keep himself busy until the rest of the city woke up.

He forced his aching body out of the bed. After he pulled some sweats on, he shuffled over to the counter and emptied a packet of his precious hoarded coffee into the coffee maker and turned it on. Then he sat at his computer, powering it up and logging on automatically. A sudden idea seized him, and he pulled up the personnel files.

There weren't any real safe guards on them, because really who was going to try and hack into personnel files? Most of the stuff that was there was mundane every day information – education, job history, things like that. The really good information was classified and wasn't put into public files anyway.

It didn't even slow him down when he realized he had no idea of Jillian's last name. He just searched by her first name. It was unique enough that there was only one in the entire database. When her file appeared and he saw her last name for the first time, he gave a surprised 'huh', somehow not really surprised at all to see that her name was Mrs. Jillian McKay, married to Dr. Rodney McKay for nearly a year.

He read the file through twice before he pulled on his earpiece and asked for Carson.

"Rodney?" the doctor's accent was thicker when he was half asleep. "Is there an emergency?"

"Yes, get your ass out of bed because I'm coming there now."

Rodney couldn't believe how angry he was and he didn't wait to hear the doctor's reply before he stormed out his door. He didn't even bother to pull his shoes on, he stalked the corridors in his stocking feet.

Beckett's room was near the infirmary on the other side of the city from Rodney. He had time to put clothes on before Rodney got there. He was waiting at the door, arms crossed and a cup of coffee in hand when Rodney arrived, still angry.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he demanded. Rodney entered the doctor's quarters and immediately rounded on Carson, his eyes blazing.

He didn't even have to tell Carson what he was talking about. The doctor was certain what the conversation was about.

"Rodney, we didn't know why you could nae remember Jillian. Dr. Heightmeyer and I thought it was... best to let you remember her yourself," he used the soothing tones that doctors had been using in memoriam to calm overwrought patients. It wasn't working with Rodney, he was way past overwrought.

"So, you just left it there for me to find in the personnel records when I went merrily looking for them?" his voice rose in pitch. He pinched his nose as a headache began to build behind his eyes. He was married and no one had told him.

"We decided that if you were curious enough to ask the questions, then you deserved the answers. But to just blurt it out could have been harmful to your psyche, Rodney."

Rodney paced from one end of the room to the other, unable to remain still. "And what about Jillian? Did you think about what this is doing to her?" Rodney kept remembering her face when she first realized he didn't know who she was. She'd looked so wounded and he'd done that.

"Aye, lad we did. But she agreed that she wanted you to remember her and Maggie on your own. She did nae want you to feel like you owed her something."

Rodney pounced on the doctor, an accusing finger in his chest, "But I do, Carson! I'm Maggie's father. God..."

It was all too much and without another word, Rodney walked out. He heard Carson calling him back, but he didn't stop.

This time he knew where he was going when he approached the door in the new wing of living quarters. He hesitated at the door. She was probably asleep, it was stupid to come there in the wee hours of the morning and wake her up. But before he could leave, the door slid open and Jillian was standing there.

"Carson called," she said by way of explanation. Her arms were crossed across her chest and she just stood in the door. He'd never seen body language that said more clearly, 'go away.'

But he wasn't going away. He'd come to see if he could help and he was going to help. "Damn him, I didn't want him to wake you up."

Her lips curved up, but there was no warmth in it and it never reached her eyes. She looked so weary. "I wasn't asleep. Maggie is like her father it seems and doesn't want to sleep at night when normal people do."

Rodney could hear the baby crying and he started forward and then stopped before crossing the threshold. "Can I come in and see her?" he asked a little awkwardly.

With a defeated sigh, Jillian stepped aside and waved a hand for permission.

Rodney charged across the room and picked up the infant. She didn't stop crying immediately, but her cries changed in intensity from ear-splitting proportions to merely room-filling. Rodney bounced her a little in his arms and she blinked up at him startled. It really only took a minute and she was sleeping in his arms, one hand curled into his shirt, holding on tightly. Rodney looked at Jillian with a twisted grin feeling highly accomplished.

"I think she likes me."

Jillian looked like she was on the verge of tears herself, she shrugged, "What's not to like?"

They stood shifting, neither one knowing what to say, until at last Rodney said, "You know you could get some sleep if you want. I'm up now, I can take care of her for awhile."

Jillian's eyes lit with need, "Are you sure? I mean... you usually work when you're up late."

"Hey, I learned long ago to type one-handed when the need arose," he said. "I think we can manage, and if I need anything you're just in..." he pointed uncertainly at a door, "there. Right?"

Any hope she had that he was remembering flickered and died when he didn't know which room was which and she sighed, "Actually that's the bathroom. But... okay. If you don't mind, I would like to shower first. It's been days since I've had time for anything more than a quick bath in the sink." She ran her fingers through her dull hair.

"Sure." He tried to smile at her reassuringly. Somehow he'd thought she'd be more... grateful that he'd finally come to his senses, but he supposed he could be the big person and give her some space. He waved a hand vaguely in the air, "Whatever you need."

He stood with the sleeping baby in his arms as Jillian grabbed the things she needed before slipping into the bathroom, the door closing firmly behind her.

Alone at last with the baby, Rodney stood a little uncertain what he was supposed to do. She was a little.. boring when she was asleep. He wanted her to wake up so he could see her intelligent blue eyes again, but he supposed that was selfish. Since she was asleep, she could probably go back in her bed and he could do some work. When he tried to lay her down in the little crib, however, she stirred and began to fuss, shaking her little fists and making little whining noises. With a glance at the closed bathroom door, Rodney snatched her back up and walked with her around the room, bouncing her a little until she was quiet once again.

"My mother's name is Maggie, did you know that?" he said to the again sleeping baby, pacing from one end of the room to the other.

"Of course you don't know that," he responded to his own question. "You're a baby, you don't care about things like that, yet. All you care about it is eating and sleeping and pooping."

He stopped mid-pace. How was he supposed to know if her diaper needed changing? Then, he was a genius, he'd probably know when her diaper needed changing.

He paused to take a good look around the apartment. It was a nice homey little space with high windows that must let in a lot of sun during the day. There was an ancient design sofa that separated the room into two distinct spaces, it had an Athosian woven rug on the floor under it and a table in front of it with magazines and science journals scattered over its surface.

A table placed at the other end of the room served as both a dining table and desk with the lap top sitting on it. The paraphernalia associated with a new baby was scattered haphazardly everywhere. It had comfortable lived-in air.

A picture sitting by itself on the counter caught his eye, and he moved over to pick it up. It was more proof than he needed that all this was real. It was a picture of himself and a very pregnant Jillian. They were probably on the mainland because they were sitting in the grass. He was leaning against a tree and Jillian was using him as her pillow. His arms were around her possessively resting on her gently rounded tummy. She was smiling back at him and he was... just suffused with love. He nearly glowed with the love he obviously felt for the woman in his arms and their baby.

He put the picture back carefully.

Maggie stirred, whimpering quietly in her sleep. He smoothed a hand over the soft skin of her head. Her hair was thin and whispy, like down, it had a faint brown tinge to it. Her fingers were just perfect and her toes, well... Rodney looked around realizing that he was standing in his stocking feet admiring a little bag of poop like she was a ZPM. Fortunately there were no witnesses.

He juggled the baby until she was sleeping slumped over his shoulder in that boneless way that babies have of being able to sleep in any position. He sat at the computer and signed in with his own log in codes and began to answer emails. If he was up, he might as well get something useful done. He heard the shower come on in the bathroom.

After he finished answering all the emails he intended to answer, filed the ones he wasn't going to answer and rearranged the entire order of his inbox filing cabinet, he went back to the calculations he'd been working on when John dragged him away to the mess hall that afternoon. The only sound in the room was the clicking of the computer keys, the baby's slight snore and the running water of the shower. The breathing of the baby on his shoulder was therapeutic and he found himself feeling better than he had for days, the calculations were clearer than they had been and he finished them before he realized it.

He leaned back, rolling his shoulders to ease the ache from spending too long hunched over a computer when he saw the time in the lower corner of the lap top. He frowned at it. If it was right, Jillian had been in the shower for a long, long time. He knew women liked taking long showers, but a two-hour shower was a little.... ridiculous. He swiveled in the chair so he could look at the bathroom door uncertainly. He knew he was married to her, but she might object to him just barging in on her shower after denying her existence for a couple of weeks.

He went to the crib and this time got Maggie in without any fuss. She settled with a soft sigh. He tucked her little blanket in around her, lingering a moment to admire her. Running a final caress down her soft cheek, he went to the door and listened to the sound of the shower, trying to decide what to do. Should he go in and check on her? He didn't want to start out his newly rediscovered married life on the wrong footing, but the twisting of his gut told him something was wrong.

He knocked, "Jillian?"

She didn't answer, all he could hear was the sound of the shower running.

He thought 'open' at the door and it slid aside smoothly. Still he stood, routed to the spot, shifting uncertainly from one foot to the other.

"Jillian?" he called again before poking his head into the room cautiously. There was still no sound but the patter of the water hitting the tile.

He closed his eyes and walked into the room. "Jillian, I'm really sorry to bother you but I was getting worried and I thought maybe I should come in and see..." a small sob broke through his babble and he chanced a peek between two fingers. At first he thought the shower was empty and he dropped his hand to take a closer look.

He was appalled when he finally saw that Jillian was sitting in the corner, her knees drawn up and she was rocking slowly, crying.

"Oh, god..." Rodney tapped his com, "Carson, get your ass out of bed," he nearly screamed. "I've got a medical emergency in Jillian's quarters."

He reached into the shower and turned the water off. It was freezing cold. What the...

He grabbed a towel and stepped into the shower with her, wrapping the towel around her body. Now that he had his arms around her, he could feel the minute shivers that coursed through her body. Her skin was cold and clammy and her lips were blue.

He reached over and grabbed up another towel to rub briskly around her shoulders, trying to rub some warmth back into her.

"Rodney?" He nearly wept when she breathed his name.

"I'm here," he answered, continuing to rub.

She leaned into him, burrowing closer to his warmth. "I thought you were dead, I was so afraid."

"I'm fine, I'm here now."

"I'm so sorry, Rodney," she said it so softly he could barely hear her.

"What are you sorry for?" he snapped, harsh in his brusqueness.

"I can't do it." She was shivering in earnest now, her teeth chattering together. "I can't do it without you."

He pressed a kiss to her cold, wet forehead, "You don't have to, I'm here now."

She reached out a shaking hand and placed it on his chest, "But you forgot us."

He gave up with the towel and just pulled her in close to his warmth, wishing Carson would get there already. "I'm here now."

"Do you remember us now?" There was entreaty in her eyes.

He couldn't lie to her, she deserved better from him, "You're helping me remember. You'll tell me all about us and we'll remember together," he promised.

And then Carson was there, stepping into the shower with them, taking her pulse and peering into her eyes with the blasted pen light of his.

Rodney held her while Carson worked. He thought he should be embarrassed at being in the shower with a nearly naked woman in his arms, but oddly he wasn't. He was soaked from head to toe and beginning to feel the chill himself, but he held onto Jillian giving her whatever warmth he could.

Stepping out of the shower stall, Carson called the infirmary and gave terse rapid-fire instructions in a voice too low for Rodney to hear.

"Let's get her out of there, Rodney and into bed," he said when he finished.

"You're not taking her to the infirmary?" Rodney asked surprised.

Carson gave him an appraising look, "I'd rather not. I think it would be better for her to stay here in her own quarters. I can give her some medicine and tuck her up here, but someone's got to stay with her."

Rodney tightened his arms around her, "I can do that."

"I'm glad to hear that," John said, surprising them both. He stood leaning easily against the door jamb. Carson waived him over.

"Help us get her out of here and into the other room."

Rodney started to protest, but then realized he wasn't feeling any too steady himself. He made sure the towel was wrapped securely around Jillian before Carson and Sheppard lifted her from his arms. John picked her up easily and carried her into the other room.

Rodney tried to stand to follow, but slipped and fell on his ass. Carson shoved him back down when he tried to stand again and placed two fingers on his wrist to take his pulse.

"There's nothing wrong with me," he protested hotly. "You need to take care of Jillian."

"Aye, Rodney, and I will be, but you just left my infirmary a few days ago and I'm not anxious to have you back there again any time soon. I had several nurses who asked to be sent back to Earth as it is. Now, don't you worry, I've got someone coming to help us get Jillian settled into bed."

Rodney subsided and let Carson work. "What's wrong with her?" he asked.

An unhappy crease appeared in Carson's forehead and there was a lengthy pause before he answered, "I suspect she's suffering from a wee case of post natal blues."

"In English, Carson, for those of who don't have the advantage of Voodoo 101," Rodney snapped. He knew what had happened wasn't Carson's fault, but he couldn't take his frustration out on Jillian and Sheppard had already escaped.

"The last couple of weeks have been hard on her, Rodney. I think she's just a wee bit depressed."

Carson extended a hand, helping Rodney to his feet, "Oh, like I couldn't tell that. Wait.. you don't mean like hurting herself depressed?"

"No," Carson handed Rodney a towel of his own, "I don't think it's come to that. She's just a bloody strong-minded fool, like someone else I could name and she did nae tell anyone just how tired or worn out she was or ask anyone for help. Now get dried off, I'm going to go check on your wife."

Rodney shivered and he didn't think it was the temperature in the bathroom. He sat on the toilet and peeled off his soaked socks in disgust. The towel wasn't making much headway either when all of his clothes were dripping wet. He dropped his head wearily onto the sink, not certain he was ever going to be able to move again. The events of the day descended on him and he felt like he was a million years old. He needed to get up and check on Jillian and Maggie, and he didn't think he had the strength.

"Hey," John said, startling him.

Rodney jerked, hitting his head on the sink.

"Ow! You're going to be sorry if I have brain damage and can't save the city the next time someone turns on the toaster from hell."

"Oh, please, Rodney, you hurt the sink worse than you hurt your head," John said unrepentant. He threw a bundle of clothes to Rodney.

Rodney gaped at them in surprise.

"You did live here for a while," John said by way of explanation. "We got most of your stuff back into your old room, but there are still a few things here."

Rodney sat, stupidly staring at the clothes. "What have I done?" he whispered brokenly.

"It's going to be alright, McKay," John told him.

"How can it be okay?" Rodney asked miserably, "I still don't remember her."

"But now you want to. She loves you, McKay, God knows why, and all you really have to do is be here."

Rodney nodded, "We are talking about me, remember?" He tried for a smile and it wasn't too hard.

Sheppard shrugged, "I know. There's no accounting for some women's tastes. Now get dressed and get out here."

And John was gone again, leaving Rodney alone. He took off his wet clothes and left them in a heap in the corner of the bathroom. He toweled himself dry, hurriedly stepping into the dry clothes John had brought him.

He was doing his best not to over think the situation, but it was hard. He had to think every thing to death, it's what he did. And yet, all he really wanted was to go out and make sure Jillian was okay and start getting to know her all over again. Already he was beginning to feel the stir of something for her. And he was definitely in love with Maggie, so it shouldn't be too hard. Right?

Right.

But he was determined, and when Rodney McKay was determined, there was nothing that was going to get in his way. Certainly not the lack of memory.

He emerged from the bathroom to find no one there, Maggie wasn't even in her crib. He almost panicked before he realized that everyone was probably in the bedroom. He strode into the room, expecting chaos and was surprised to find it was quiet and peaceful.

Jillian was sitting up in the bed with a mug of something steaming in her hand. A portable IV had been set up next to her and there was a bag hanging there with a line running down to her arm. Beckett was sitting next to her murmuring softly. John sat in a chair on the other side of the bed with the baby in his arms. He was making the most ridiculous faces at her and Maggie was waving her fists at him, making baby noises.

Rodney stood at the door, a little uncertain what he was supposed to do.

Jillian looked up as he entered and she smiled at him. Something inside him broke open and he understood the joy he'd seen in his own face in the picture. Because Jillian loved him and even if he couldn't remember loving her before, he was certain he could feel it again now.

"What are all you people still doing here?" he demanded. "You," he strode over to John and held out his arms for Maggie, "go to bed. We don't need a sleep-deprived Chief Military Officer during the next Wraith attack."

John didn't comment, but Rodney saw his lips twist into a satisfied smirk as he gave up the baby. He departed with a sarcastic salute and a supportive hand on Rodney's shoulder.

Beckett wasn't so easily cowed.

"Now, Rodney, I need you to leave your door unlocked. I think everything's alright now, but I'm going to be sending a nurse down from time to time to check on Jillian tonight."

"Fine, fine, whatever," he looked down into his daughter's eyes and he could swear that she knew who he was. "Is there anything I need to do?"

"Just be here, Rodney," Carson said as he too departed, leaving Rodney alone with the two of them.

It was weird, but it wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as he thought it was going to be.

"Rodney," Jillian began.

"No," he stopped her, "don't say 'you're sorry' or it's 'your fault' or anything like that, because I won't let you."

She giggled and Rodney thought he could used to its sound. "I wasn't. I was going to say that there's a bottle in the little fridge and maybe you should get it. It's time for Maggie to eat. And trust me, it's another trait she gets from her father. You've got to feed her on time or you know about it."

"Oh." And then they both started laughing.

Maneuvering carefully because of the IV, Rodney handed her the baby and turned to go in search of the bottle.

"Rodney," she called after him. He turned and was caught, really seeing his wife and daughter for the first time. It took his breath away. He still didn't remember anything about them before waking up in the infirmary, but now he wanted to. She must have seen something of his thoughts in his face because she smiled at him and the tears brimmed in her eyes.

Then Maggie squealed and waved a fist, reminding them of who was really the important one in the room.

"I'm just ah... getting the bottle," Rodney said.

"You'll need to warm it a little, there's a microwave next to the fridge."

Maggie's fussy noises grew in volume, so Rodney hurried into the other room and found the fridge and microwave.

He was a little perplexed as to how much to heat the bottle. He finally settled on 5 second increments, testing the temperature on his wrist as he remembered seeing in some sitcom or the other, until he thought it was just the right balance between cool and tepid. Just in case, he handed it to Jillian for her approval as he took possession of Maggie once again.

He didn't even think about it when he settled in the bed next to Jillian to feed Maggie. It took him a couple of tries to figure out the logistics of baby and bottle and to get the pillows piled up just right to support his back, but soon enough Maggie was happily devouring its contents, her tiny fingers curled around one of his.

Jillian sat and watched them, a bemused smile on her face.

"I knew you'd be a good dad," she said softly, almost to herself. "You were so worried."

"That was silly of me," he scooted a little closer to her. She was still shivering a little, she might need the extra body heat. "Of course I'm a good dad, once I get with the program."

With a little sigh, she closed the distance between them, pressing into his side, letting her head fall onto his shoulder.

"You know what you said about none of this being my fault? Well, it's not your fault either," she said. "And don't argue with me, Carson said you aren't supposed to upset me."

Rodney didn't recall hearing Carson say that, but he decided to let it slide. She looked up at him and he could see the mischief glinting in her eyes. Before he could stop her, she kissed him, just a fleeting press of lips to lips, butterfly soft and then she was drawing back.

"You are going to remember me in the morning, aren't you?"

"Oh, I think you can count on it," he assured her.

She scooted down in the bed then. She made herself comfortable by tucking herself in under his arm and closed her eyes. Soon her breathing evened out and she was asleep.

Rodney was afraid to move, he didn't want to disturb either of his sleeping girls. So he settled back into the pillows as comfortably as he could and listened to them both breath until he drifted into sleep of his own.

~~~~~

It was the sound of Maggie's frightened cries that woke Rodney the next morning. A confused sense of dislocation swamped him as he struggled to wake up. He needed to get up and find out what was wrong with his baby. Maggie's cries grew more aggravated and he tried to open his eyes and he found he couldn't.

In the space from one breath to the next, Maggie's cries turned into the steady rhythm of the heart monitor and Rodney jerked, trying to wake up, to find out what was happening. He felt like he was wrapped in cotton and there was the distant tug of pain kept at bay with good drugs.

With a supreme effort he forced his eyes open. A hazy figure swam into view and slowly he was able to focus on Jillian leaning over him, a hand on his cheek, smiling down at him.

"Hey, Dr. McKay, you really scared us. Are you back with me?"

Blinking up at her uncertainly, he licked lips that were dry and cracked. Instinctively she knew his need and she reached for a cup sitting on the table next to his bed slipping an ice chip into his mouth.

His closed his eyes as the piece of heaven melted, providing him with much needed moisture.

She put a reassuring hand on his shoulder as he took in the infirmary with a perplexed frown. "I'll just go get Dr. Beckett," she said and started to move away.

It hurt, a lot, but he grabbed her sleeve, "No, please..." he waited for the pain to make its way through him and level out, "Please."

"You're not supposed to move," she scolded him gently, placing his arm back on the blanket. But she moved back to stand next to him.

"Wha... Happened?" He stared up at her, confused. It was Jillian, but she didn't seem to know him like before. And how had he come to be back in the infirmary? Nothing was right.

She seemed to sense his unease and she put a hand on his, wrapping her fingers around it to find his wrist and take his pulse. It was more for his reassurance than because she needed to, he could hear the heart monitor picking up its pace telling her that he was agitated.

"I don't know all the details, but your Colonel Sheppard told the doctor you were trying to take a look at something some natives viewed as a holy relic and they took offense."

Rodney remembered that, but that mission had been two weeks before.

"Relapse?" he asked.

If he could only think he would be able to figure it out, but Carson's drugs were making him feel hazy and slow.

Her forehead wrinkled in confusion. "I'm sorry, Dr. McKay, I really think I need to get Dr. Beckett."

"No, wait," he licked his lips again. She slipped another piece of ice in. He sighed at the relief it provided. "Sheppard?" he asked.

She nodded to the bed opposite them, "He's been sitting up with you, even though he's got injuries of his own. Dr. Beckett finally got a sedative into him so he'd get some rest." From her wicked grin, Rodney could just imagine how Beckett had administered the sedative. "He's going to be really upset when he finds out you woke up while he was asleep."

"We don't have to tell him," Rodney whispered.

Rubbing a thumb across his hand soothingly, she giggled, "Deal."

Rodney frowned, trying to get his brain working. Things were wrong, all wrong. Dimly he thought he could hear Maggie crying again.

"Maggie? Is Maggie here?"

Her eyes narrowed as she assessed his condition, "Maggie?" She shook her head doubtfully, "I don't know who that is, I'm sorry Dr. McKay, I've only just arrived on the Daedalus and I haven't gotten to know many people yet. I can get her for you if you want?" She watched him expectantly.

Maggie's cries were getting more and more distant, Rodney could feel her slipping away.

"Do we... know each other?" he asked at last, knowing the answer, but he had to hear her say it.

She flushed a little, "We did meet right before your mission. You came into the mess hall for lunch."

Rodney remembered now. The mission had been postponed a few hours and the team had decided to get lunch before they left.

"The cook decided since you were going to be off-world that he could make lemon chicken. I almost had a heart attack when I saw you there with that plate in your hand," she confessed.

There had been a frantic tug of war as she tried to take it away and he had objected strenuously. It had ended with the plate on the ground and Rodney staring in abject horror when he realized what had almost happened.

"You ended up eating peanut butter and jelly, I'm sorry," she said.

"Better that than... chicken of death," he murmured. His eyes were starting to close of their own accord and he struggled against the sleep that pulled at him.

"I really should get Dr. Beckett," but she didn't move, she just stood there with her hand on his.

"You brought me a pudding cup," he had stuffed it in his pack to eat later. It should be there still.

"Damn right, I did. I took it from the cook's own stash. I told him I'd turn him over to you if he didn't give them up," she grinned malevolently and Rodney was glad she was on his side.

"Thanks."

"Hey, I hear you're the resident genius around here. The other nurses say you save our life every day of the week and twice on Sundays. It's best to keep you alive." She smoothed a hand across his forehead and it didn't feel entirely medical.

"I like.. the way.. you think." Maggie's cries had almost faded away, but now they were clearer again, closer. "Listen, do you play chess?"

Her mouth dropped open in astonishment, and then her eyes crinkled as she laughed, "And have you beat the pants off me? I don't think so. But maybe once you're able to stay awake longer than five minutes at a time, I'll bring my scrabble board and we can play."

"But I'm no good at scrabble," he protested weakly.

"Good," she smiled down at him, the mischief dancing in her green eyes. "Now, I really do have to get Dr. Beckett." She let go of his hand and immediately he missed its warmth.

He watched her go, tracking her with his eyes. He felt a sudden warmth flow through his body. It was almost like he could feel Maggie snuggled on his chest and he closed his eyes, knowing she'd be there again soon enough.

"Daddy's got you," he murmured as he let himself fall into the sleep that waited to enfold him.


	2. Chapter 2

Jillian McKay sat in the corner of the control room chewing on a fingernail hoping desperately that no one noticed her. She did realize that it was highly unlikely that they wouldn't. At just over nine months pregnant, she was like the pink elephant sitting in the middle of the room that everyone pretends wasn't really there. Although she wouldn't ever be caught dead, let alone pregnant, in pink. She giggled remembering when Rodney had actually got her some silly, frothy pink maternity thing. He had it shipped in on the Daedalus. He had meant it to be sweet and loving and it was, it really was, but she'd been having a bad day.

She missed seeing her feet and she felt like a two-ton cow, so when he gave her the box with the pink frilly maternity dress in it, she'd taken scissors to it and left it in a ripped-up mess. Rodney had fled the room and left on a mission shortly thereafter. When he came back, the dress and the box were gone, but she'd traded with another nurse that she knew kept a private stash of Rodney's favorite dark chocolate for a peace offering.

Now she sat waiting for him to come home, she needed him to come home. His team was two hours late and her labor had started hours before and there was no way she was leaving the control room to have her baby until Rodney was there to see his daughter born. It was all he'd been talking about for months. They hadn't even picked a name yet. They needed a name.

"What do you think of Mia?" she asked the tech sitting next to her. It completely ruined her plan of remaining inconspicuous, but she was going crazy sitting, waiting, trying to breathe through the labor pains without a coach because he wasn't home yet.

The tech glanced at her curiously. They'd been amazingly patient with her in the control room, answering her repeated questions of 'have you heard from them yet?' patiently, although she'd seen one go into Elizabeth's office with a glance in Jillian's general direction. She expected to be ratted out by them any time now.

"I beg your pardon?" The man asked, his eyes shifted nervously trying to see if there was any one within earshot that he could shift her unwanted attention to.

"Mia? Do you like that? I've been thinking of names for the baby. And I kind of like Mia." Rodney didn't. He said he had the perfect name for their daughter, except he hadn't shared it with her yet.

"Uhm..." the man desperately tried to find something that he could use as an excuse to escape, but finding nothing said finally, "Isn't this a discussion you should be having with Dr. McKay, ma'am?"

She felt her ire rise with the onset of the next labor pain, "I would dammit, if he were here. Do you see him here?"

"I... uh.. no, ma'am."

Jillian did her best to control her anger, her rising panic, the pain welling up within her. She couldn't lose it. Because then they'd call Carson and he would make her go to the infirmary and she couldn't go yet. She had to stay and wait for Rodney to come home.

"Yes, you're absolutely right," she agreed quickly. "I'll just uh... wait quietly over here."

The tech nodded doubtfully and went back to his board with it's pretty lights and mysterious function, doing his very best to ignore her.

Jillian went back to doing her very best to be ignored.

She distracted herself by looking around the control room. It was pretty darn amazing really, even after she'd been there for over a year. When she signed on to come to Atlantis it had been hard at first to come to grips with the fact that she was getting her life-long wish of traveling to the stars. She'd had to pinch herself daily on the voyage aboard the Daedalus. She was in a space ship, she was gong to another galaxy, she was possibly going to meet aliens. Somehow it never entered her thoughts that she was going to meet the love of her life, be married and pregnant – all in very short order.

The pain rose and crested. She did her best to breathe quietly through it. They weren't really all that bad yet, just a pressure that she had to deal with, an awareness that something was going to happen soon. She should possibly go down to Carson and let him take care of her, but fear was clawing at her insides. Fear that if she had the baby without Rodney there that he would never come home. It was stupid, she knew that, too. But she was pregnant in another galaxy and her husband was late coming home from his appointment to meet with people who possibly wanted to hurt or kill him. She felt justified in her fear.

It was how they had fallen in love after all. Their first date had been in the infirmary while he was still recuperating from injuries incurred after a misunderstanding with natives over a holy relic. Rodney was sure it was a ZPM but they didn't let him get close enough to find out. In fact they took great offense to the fact that he tried.

~~~~~

Despite her protests Rodney had his chess board set up one evening when she arrived for her shift. She let him 'persuade' her to play. She knew him well enough, even after only a few days, to know that she couldn't ever give in too easily. Rodney dismissed people who seemed to like him instantly, as if they weren't discerning enough. She had to admit that he was a pain in the ass sometimes, but she found him caustic and witty and very entertaining. Just listening to the other nurses talk about his previous visits to the infirmary kept her amused for hours. But none of them really seemed willing to spend time with him, they preferred to let her do that.

Which was alright with her. Spending quality time with Dr. Rodney McKay, the bane of the infirmary, was interesting. She had a much different view of him than everyone else for one thing. He seemed to feel like he already knew her, so he treated her with affectionate disdain, like he might treat Colonel Sheppard or Teyla Emmigan or even Ronon instead of the complete and utter contempt that he had for the rest of the world.

He was fascinating in a place that was filled with the incredible and amazing.

She lost that first game of chess with good grace. Rodney spent a lot of time telling what she had done wrong and advising her on different strategies. She just let him talk because she liked to see the way his hands flew in animated discourse, the way his eyes lit up, the way his mouth moved.

Then she pulled out the threatened Scrabble board. Rodney's eyes narrowed and then he threw himself into the game. Rodney did everything intensely and his concentration was fierce, Jillian had to work hard to best him that first time. Even so, he was recovering from severe injuries and she suspected that was the only reason she managed to beat him, that and the muscle relaxant she'd administered before they began.

They were arguing over a word when Sheppard showed up.

"Dr. McKay, you may be the world's foremost authority on absolutely everything, but I refuse to believe that 'snarfling' is a word," Jillian declared firmly.

"Snarfling, McKay?" Sheppard inquired as he sat in the chair at Rodney's bedside. He regarded the two of them with his head cocked to the side. Jillian had settled comfortably on the edge of Rodney's bed near his feet, the board on the bedside table situated between them.

"You know, Sheppard," Rodney looked at John with a curiously intense expression on his face, "it's what you told me... a stealthy word. When we're in the field." Rodney waved a hand vaguely in the air.

Jillian had to bite her lip to hide her smile. What Rodney didn't know was that she was a nurse in the US Air Force. She'd had 'stealthy' training. Nowhere in the handbook was there mention of snarfling.

Still, Sheppard did his best to back up his teammate. He gave a doubtful nod, "Yeah, uhm... it's that... stealth. Tracking. I think it's something Ronon told us about."

Jillian rolled her eyes and climbed off the bed. "Gentlemen, you are both full of shit," she declared unequivocally. "But it's creative shit, I'll give you that." She pulled the pudding cup out of her pocket that was the prize they'd been playing for. Rodney seemed to love the things, he couldn't get enough of them and she already loved the way his eyes lit up when he saw them.

"If you'll excuse me, some of us have work to do, instead of laying around all day," she smiled as she said it to take away the sting. But she didn't need to worry. Rodney was already deep in conversation with Colonel Sheppard, their heads leaning close together, for all the world looking like co-conspirators deep in the middle of planning their overthrow of the infirmary.

She only moved as far as the desk where she could keep an eye on them both while she worked updating charts for the next shift. Between the two of them, they were legendary for their escapes from the infirmary and there was no way she was losing a patient on her watch.

She liked to watch Rodney with his friends. They were there for him all the time. There was rarely a time during the day and even in the middle of the night when there wasn't someone at Rodney McKay's bedside. As much as people complained about his ego and his attitude, there was a steady stream of people through the infirmary to keep him company.

She caught a flash of silver as Sheppard pulled something from inside his jacket. She wasn't supposed to see that he was sneaking in the doctor's laptop. Dr. Beckett had warned the staff that he suspected it would happen soon. Rodney was beginning to feel well enough that he was getting restless. The only way to keep him in the infirmary was to let his team 'sneak' in his computer so he could work in bed. It was the medical staff's job to keep an eye on him and make sure he didn't work too long and get overtired.

Jillian grinned as she bent to her task, pretending to ignore what was going on right in front of her. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Rodney sneak a glance in her direction before sliding the computer under his covers. Snarfling he was not.

~~~~

Their second date was a mission of mercy.

Rodney was now well enough to drive the medical staff crazy. She came to rescue him, because really, to let her fellow nurses kill him would be such a waste after they worked so hard to keep him alive in the first place.

When she walked into the infirmary pushing the wheel chair in front of her, Rodney's eyes widened in surprise. Instead of the scrubs that were standard dress for the medical team, she wore black jeans and a form-hugging tee-shirt that showed off her curves. She thought she saw appreciation in his eyes and she felt a warm tingling spread through her body.

She did her best to ignore the growing attraction she felt for Rodney. She suspected that it was due, in part, to the closeness they shared as nurse and patient. He favored her touch over any of the other nurses. He'd even made the staff call her in once or twice on her off-duty time to give a shot or take blood because he claimed she 'didn't hurt him, like the rest of you harpies.'

She thought about telling him that it didn't really endear him to the rest of the medical staff, but she had to admit, at least to herself, that it made her happy to be woken up in middle of her sleep shift because Rodney wouldn't let anyone else touch him. She suspected that once he was out of the infirmary, he was going to forget she ever existed. Still, she could enjoy his company while she had it.

"Where are we going?" he asked suspiciously as she carefully extricated him from the machines that he was still hooked to. She took his IV and hung it from the pole on the back of the chair. Dr. Beckett was willing to let Rodney out of the infirmary for a few hours, but he'd drawn the line at the IV. It had to stay in. That was doable.

"If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, now would it?" she answered sweetly as she took the laptop away from him, setting it on the table next to his bed. "Just call it a mission of mercy."

She refused to answer any more questions as she pushed him out of the infirmary. She heard the relieved sighs behind them as the door whooshed shut behind them. So did Rodney. He scowled but didn't say anything about it.

Instead he craned his neck back to look up at her, "While we're out, maybe we could just drop by the lab for a minute?" He smiled at her winningly, "I need to check up on Zelenka and make sure they're not going to blow us up any day now."

Her heart gave a funny little skip at his smile, but she refused to be charmed by him. She turned his head back to a more comfortable angle with one hand while she maneuvered the chair with the other. "Absolutely not," she said firmly. "You may not value your life, but I really like my job here on Atlantis and I don't want Dr. Beckett to send me back to Earth just because you are a control freak who can't let other people do their jobs without assistance."

"What? I'm not a control freak," he mumbled in something that sounded suspiciously like a pout, "And Carson wouldn't dare send you back to Earth. You're the only nurse that can give a shot without it hurting."

She didn't tell him that the other nurses could give shots that didn't hurt. They just didn't choose to.

She negotiated a corner and they emerged onto one of Atlantis's many piers. Jillian thought that the Ancients must have loved to stand out on the piers and gaze at the water. They had so many of the little balconies and outlooks, it was impossible to find them all. The one she had chosen for Rodney's surprise was out of the way and little used, so she hoped they'd have a little privacy.

He was so quiet that she glanced down to see if he was even paying attention to what she had done. She had traded for several double shifts to get the wine and little treats from some of her friends. It was alright, she was spending most of her time in the infirmary while Rodney was there anyway, it might as well be official. She used the lemon chicken card with the cook again to obtain some little finger foods and fruit for their picnic. When she saw the wide-eyed surprise written on his face as he stared at the picnic, it made all the sacrifices she was going to be making over the next few days worthwhile.

She couldn't help the satisfied grin that spread across her face as she moved his chair in close to the table. He surprised her when he pushed the chair away and stood. He silenced her protests by pulling her to him and kissing her firmly.

The whole world went away as his lips closed over hers. Her eyes shut as she just concentrated on feeling his lips warm against hers. He kissed with the same single minded intensity he gave everything else. He pressed little kisses onto her mouth, stealing away her breath and replacing it with his own. She swayed when he pulled back.

"Thank you," he whispered as he collapsed into the chair. He was pale and shaking but looking inordinately pleased with himself.

Jillian had the sudden sense that she was falling down a deep and slippery slope. But, instead of trying to stop her assent and crawl back to the top, she wanted to spread out her arms and enjoy the fall. She sat abruptly when her knees would no longer hold her. She licked a lip that still tasted of Rodney, a coffee taste clinging to her mouth.

Outrage replaced the euphoria of the kiss, "Coffee!" she glared at him. "You know Dr. Beckett said coffee was expressly prohibited." There were some things, like lap tops and visitors after visiting hours were over, that she would turn a blind eye to, but caffeine in his current condition was not one of them.

He blinked at her and then grinned as he captured her fingers. "You know you're entirely too in awe of that Voodoo doctor."

She pulled her hand away, trying to forget the feel of his mouth on hers for the moment. She was pissed and that memory kept detouring the pissiness into other emotions. He still looked entirely too smug and pleased with himself.

"That Voodoo doctor is my boss," she informed him stiffly. This time when he took her hand in his, she didn't pull it away. "And I happen to find him brilliant, Dr. McKay."

Rodney leaned in, wincing a little and Jillian had to work hard to maintain her anger in the face of his pain. "I do, too," he whispered conspiratorially, "but if you tell him that, I'll make you miserable for the rest of your days on Atlantis." She knew he could, too. It was only the fear of what he could do to them that kept the nurses in line sometimes.

"Besides," he picked up the wine bottle on the table, "Wine? Isn't that prohibited, too?"

She felt her anger just bleeding away. She just couldn't hold onto it where Rodney was concerned. She smiled.

"It's the non-alcoholic variety, Rodney," she said, pouring some into a glass for him. It was only a water glass from the mess hall, but the liquid sparkled and fizzed pleasantly.

His mouth dropped open, "Why would someone smuggle non alcoholic wine to another galaxy?" he demanded. But he picked up the glass and drank anyway. Then he pulled her in close and kissed her again.

They sat on the balcony making out like teenagers until her comm clicked in her ear, the signal that it was time to bring Rodney back to the infirmary.

~~~~~

Rodney was in the infirmary for a total of ten days. It was the shortest ten days of Jillian's life. It went by so fast that she barely had time to think of what would happen when Rodney left.

Jillian prepared for her shift on that tenth day feeling oddly disjointed. Rodney was leaving and the infirmary was going to be a colder, calmer place without him. Of course, the rest of the staff was planning a party, but she was sad. She was afraid that once he left, he really would forget about her. He would go back to his life – going on missions and saving Atlantis on a daily basis and he'd have no need of his own personal nurse.

Despite the fact that she arrived early for her shift, Rodney was already gone when she got there. Bitter disappointment swept through her and Jillian did her best to blink back the tears. It wasn't like they had any sort of a real relationship beside nurse and patient. They hadn't been alone since the afternoon on the balcony and neither one of them had talked about it since. But Jillian could have sworn there was a chemistry between them, all she had to do was touch his hand and her knees would go weak. And whenever Rodney would catch her eye across the infirmary he would smile like he had a secret of his own.

None of the other medical personnel would even look at her and Dr. Beckett was no where in sight, so she shoved away the hurt for another time. It wasn't like they didn't live in one another's back pockets. She would see him again. She'd seen his medical file, Rodney was in the infirmary at least once a week for injuries real and imagined. Of course she would be seeing him again.

Then it occurred to her that there was probably an emergency that had taken him away. It was a minor miracle in itself that Rodney McKay had gotten 10 straight days in the infirmary without something blowing up or blacking out or otherwise requiring his presence. Her mood lifted at the thought that there might be an imminent power failure that would send the city hurtling back to the bottom of the sea or some other dire situation that only Rodney McKay could solve. And that was why he'd left without saying goodbye to her.

So, when the door opened and Rodney swept in, followed by a veritable crowd of people, she stood gaping, unable to say a word. She did begin to feel a sense of dread when she started picking out the faces of the people squeezing into the infirmary. Most of Rodney's scientific staff was there. She knew Dr. Zelenka because he visited Rodney frequently in the middle of the night and they worked on projects over the dim glow of the lap top.

Several of the others she knew because they stopped her in the halls to get regular updates on Rodney's progress and an estimated time on when he would be released from the infirmary. Evidently there was some sort of betting pool going in the science lab as to how long each infirmary visit would actually last. They wouldn't let her get in on it because she was a nurse and had 'insider' information, but she was a widely sought after source of information.

Dr. Kavanagh even offered to split the pool with her if she would delay Rodney's exit from the infirmary. He had a concoction he wanted her to inject into Rodney's IV that would "only make him sick for a day or two. Just general puking, nothing serious." Aghast, she'd refused soundly and he walked away muttering about, "Idiots with principles."

People just kept crowding in. Dr. Beckett and Dr. Weir were there along with Rodney's whole team – Colonel Sheppard was sporting a grin that threatened to split his face. Teyla nodded at Jillian when she saw her curious gaze. She also smiled knowingly, but Teyla always looked to Jillian as if she knew something the rest of the world didn't. Ronon leaned against the wall and watched with an amused grin.

Jillian was starting to become afraid.

When Rodney approached her, Jillian backed away a little, trying desperately to find a private place for them to talk. But there were so many people crammed into the infirmary, privacy wasn't an option.

"Rodney?" she said uncertainly. "What's going on?"

Rodney himself appeared to be quite satisfied with himself. "Listen," he began without preamble, seemingly unconcerned that half of Atlantis was in the small room with them. "I'm not very good with all the hearts and flowers stuff..."

He took her hand and her heart gave a funny jump. The room was oddly silent considering all the people that were packed into it and they all seemed to be holding their breath.

Rodney gazed into her eyes, his blue eyes as intent and serious as she had ever seen them, "And I'm not getting down on my knees, you've seen my chart, you know what kind of shape they're in. And you know how dangerous a place this is, we could die any day now..."

"That's so romantic, McKay," Sheppard drawled. "Why don't you just ask her to marry you already?"

"Oh, now see, that's why I didn't want you in here," Rodney spun to glare at Sheppard. "Thank you very much, now you've taken all the surprise out of it," he snapped.

Jillian's startled gaze went from Rodney to Sheppard and back again, "Marry you?"

Her head was whirling and she really needed to sit down. Rodney must have seen something in her face because he caught her arm and gently guided her to a near-by bed.

Once she was sitting, he put a hand on her face, stroking her cheek with a thumb. "Yes, well, will you? Marry me that is?"

He smiled at her with that silly side-ways smile of his that said he knew he was doing it all wrong, but he didn't know any other way to do it. "I told you I was really bad with all the hearts and flowers stuff," he said ruefully.

She just sat staring into his eyes, her thoughts whirling. She knew she should be thinking sensible thoughts like, 'we haven't known each other long enough. We don't know each other well enough, ' and, 'he's going to break my heart.' But looking into his eyes all she could think was, 'I really want to wake up to those eyes every morning.'

The silence stretched on and finally Ronon barked, "Well?"

Jillian couldn't speak, she was afraid she was going to do something stupid like cry in front of all the people she respected most in the world, so she just nodded. Then she burst into tears anyway when Rodney wrapped his arms around her and kissed her. Around them a cheer went up and they were surrounded by people hugging them and clapping them on the back. Dr. Zelenka pulled Jillian from Rodney's arms and kissed her soundly.

"Just so you know what you will be missing," he said with a cheeky grin when he released her.

It was absolute chaos for all of five minutes, then things sort of arranged themself around the couple. Jillian found herself standing hand and hand with Rodney in front of Elizabeth who was holding an official-looking little book. Sheppard stood next to Rodney and Teyla looked for all the world like a maid of honor.

"Wait," Jillian said, her heart couldn't handle much more, "you mean now?"

"Yes, now," Rodney said it as if it were obvious. Which it was, but that was beside the point.

"Rodney, I can't get married now."

He lifted an eyebrow, and she didn't like it one little bit. It was his 'you're such an idiot' eyebrow. She'd seen him use it on Sheppard once or twice. "You said yes, what else is there to wait for?" He really did seem to be completely unaware of why she might have a problem with it.

"I told you she wouldn't go for it, McKay," Sheppard said with a poke of an elbow into Rodney's ribs.

"Would you stop that," Jillian snapped at him. "I can speak for myself."

Sheppard had been dealing with Rodney for way too long to be bothered by Jillian's snapishness. He just folded his arms and stood back to watch the fun.

"Well?" Rodney asked, his arms folded in a mirror image of Sheppard's stance.

She was acutely aware that everyone was looking at her. She caught Dr. Beckett's gaze and he at least seemed to understand a little of her nervousness. She never really imagined herself getting married. If she'd thought about it, she would have imagined a long engagement, like about 7 years, just to make sure that things were going to work out. She didn't make snap decisions, until she made the one to come to Atlantis. Now she felt like she was caught up in a whirlwind and it was sweeping her along in its path of destruction. Then Rodney took her hand and squeezed it gently.

"Listen," he said a little uncertainly, "I know this is quick. But I've found that things happen fast here in Atlantis. I've... lost friends... in the blink of the eye. One minute they were here, and the next they... weren't." The pain in his voice made her just want to hold him close and soothe it away. "I love you and I want to spend my life with you. I knew that when I opened my eyes and you were there looking down at me, and I just think it's silly to waste all the time with the dancing around one another and just get straight to the good stuff."

It was quite possibly the most romantic thing Jillian had ever heard. Wordless, she nodded her head and turned to face Dr. Weir.

The actual ceremony was a blur for Jillian. She remembered Rodney holding her hand tightly as if he never wanted to let it go. Dr. Zelenka had a camera and he kept snapping pictures as the ceremony progressed. The whole thing had the quality of a photo album to her.

*snap*

Dr. Weir was saying, "We are gathered here at this time to witness and to celebrate the coming together of two separate lives."

*snap*

Jillian's voice was firm and clear as she said, "I do," she gazed into Rodney's eyes hoping he knew she meant it all.

*snap*

Rodney was slipping a silver band on her finger. Her fingers were cold and he took a moment to clasp them between his warm hands.

*snap*

It was over and Dr. Weir was beaming at them as if they had done something extraordinary.

"And now by the authority vested in me as leader of this expedition, I now pronounce you man and wife. Rodney, you may kiss your bride," she said, beaming.

Rodney leaned in, pulling Jilian's face close. It was just a brief brush of lips on lips, but a promise of so much more. When he turned her to face the room, he slipped his arm around her waist. She was grateful for it, she might have fallen over otherwise.

"I give you Dr. Rodney and Jillian McKay, the first official wedding in Atlantis," Dr. Weir declared. The cheer that went up was deafening.

*snap*

There was a party, Jillian knew there was a party because she had an album of pictures that featured the party. She looked flushed and happy and slightly dazed.

*snap*

A cake appeared and Rodney was adorable as he tried to feed it to her without smearing it all over her face. She almost stopped breathing when he got it on her nose and then leaned in to lick it off.

*snap*

The party grew too big for the infirmary, so they took it to the mess hall. The tables were cleared and a sound system put together. Her clearest memory after saying 'I do,' was dancing with Rodney. He enfolded her in his arms and held her close. She could feel the heat of his body pressed against hers, she could hear his heart thumping as fast as hers. All she really wanted was to get out of the press of people and be alone with him.

*snap*

And suddenly they were alone, standing in his quarters because they were closest and she didn't know what to do. They stood staring at each other like awkward strangers, which they kind of were.

Rodney glanced around his room and looked a little embarrassed by the pile of laundry in the corner. There was mess hall dishes piled on the desk next to his lap top looking like a science experiment after ten days. Books and papers covered every surface. He began to pick things up, speaking rapidly, "We can live here if you want, or we can move to your place. Whatever you want. But if you want to move in here, I'm going to have to..."

She couldn't stand it anymore and she caught his hand. "Can we talk about this later?"

Rodney broke out into a smile that took her breath away, then he was kissing her and she remembered the next hours quite clearly.

~~~~~

Jillian had been in relationships before. She'd certainly woken up with a man in her bed more than once. But nothing prepared her for waking up next to Rodney McKay. Pressed in next to her body, he was propped up on one elbow watching her intently as she slept. She stretched lazily, smiling up at him.

"What?" she asked a little self consciously as he kept studying her intently. She wondered if she'd suddenly sprouted tentacles over night.

"I just wanted to make sure you were still her," he said cryptically.

She snuggled in further to his side. "After last night, I may never move again."

His eyes lit up and he moved over her, pressing her into the bed.

A chime sounded, causing them to spring apart guiltily. Then they realized what they'd done and laughed.

"McKay," John called from the hall. "Get your ass out of bed, we need you now."

Rodney's jaw tightened mulishly. "We better be in immediate danger of blowing up," he yelled. "I'm still recovering here. Beckett said no strenuous activity."

Jillian couldn't hold back the snort that exploded from her. There was an answering guffaw from the hallway.

"McKay, I wouldn't come to you for anything less than imminent death. I'll bring your broken body back personally. You're the genius right? How long could it take, really? I bet your bed doesn't even have time to get cold."

Rodney looked down at her, his eyes pleading with her to understand. And she did. She might have married Rodney McKay, but he was already married to Atlantis and the people there would always come first. It was the way it should be. She'd just hoped they would have a little more time before that reality reared its ugly head. She ran a hand down his arm.

"Go," she said simply.

He kissed her, pressing her into the bed, promising with his body that he'd be back as quick as he could. The chime sounded again.

"McKay, don't make me open the door and come in there," the colonel's voice was tight with poorly concealed anxiety. Whatever was wrong, it was escalating.

Rodney scrambled out of the bed, searching through their scattered clothes to pull on his. "I'm sorry," he said.

"It's alright," she insisted. She wrapped the sheet loosely around her body, still a little shy of walking around naked with a man she'd only known less than a month. She got up and helped him find the rest of his clothes. On his way to the door, he pulled her close and just rested his chin on her head, breathing in her scent. Then he was gone.

It was the last time she saw him for three days.

~~~~~

The whole of the first day she didn't think much about it. There was alarms and off-duty personnel were confined to their quarters. That was alright with her because she spent the day in her own quarters packing up her stuff to take to Rodney's place. There wasn't much. She'd only just arrived on the Daedalus, and their allotment for personal items hadn't been much. She only had a few clothes and some dvds she hadn't been able to leave behind – a few movies she couldn't imagine never seeing again, some music that she loved. But there was no pictures of family or loved ones left behind on Earth. She'd found everything she needed on Atlantis.

That night she found herself still confined to her quarters and the lights kept going on and off at irregular intervals. Sometimes she thought she heard shouting and running in the halls, or maybe she just imagined it. She wanted to call someone and ask what was going on, but she knew official channels would be secure and they wouldn't allow chatter.

She could just imagine that conversation – "Hello, this is Jillian McKay. Is my husband okay?" Oh, yeah, that would go over well.

She spent her second night of marriage all alone in her room. She couldn't sleep, so she left her comm on, hoping someone, anyone, would think to tell her what was going on.

She was grateful to be able to go to the infirmary the next day. Everyone was abuzz with the news of what had happened in their city. She found that a Wraith had managed to invade Atlantis and it was still loose, wreaking havoc with the city's systems, attacking people in its path.

Jillian searched the faces of the patients lying in the beds when she entered, looking for Rodney's familiar face. She felt guilty and relieved at the same time when he wasn't there, but there were other faces she knew, friends she'd made. She threw herself into her work so she wouldn't have to think about the fact that she had no idea where Rodney was or what was happening to him.

The infirmary received regular updates on what was happening, and she felt weak-kneed in relief the first time she heard Rodney's voice calling Dr. Beckett for information. But he was focused on whatever task he was working on and he didn't ask about her. She just took comfort in the fact that now she at least knew he was still alive.

By the end of her shift on the second day, the Wraith still hadn't been captured and all personnel were ordered to stay where they were. Those in the infirmary took shifts through the night caring for the wounded and sleeping when they could.

Jillian was glad she had something to do, to keep her busy. She was sure she would have gone crazy alone in her room wondering what was happening. By morning the Wraith was captured and the all clear was called. Around her the weary staff was replaced by fresh replacements, but Jillian worked on, afraid to go back to her room and find Rodney still not there.

Dr. Beckett found her standing in the store room looking for supplies bleary eyed, with tears running down her face. He tsked and led her gently into his office. He sat her down before pouring her a cup of coffee out of his own pot. She held on to it numbly, not sure what to say or do. She felt stupid and pitiful.

"Now, I can't say I told you so, lass," he began, his brogue soothing, "because I didn't. But I was afraid it was all going too fast for you. You have no idea really of what passes for normal here in the Pegasus Galaxy and marrying Rodney McKay is going to be a trial for anyone. Frankly I didnae think there was anyone up to that challenge."

She blinked away the tears and stared up at his concerned face. It occurred to her that it was rather funny. When she'd first arrived on the Daedalus, Jillian had had a small crush on Dr. Beckett, now he was giving her a rather fatherly speech. She thought she might start laughing at any minute, but she pushed the urge firmly away. Carson was just as likely to sedate her as pat her on the shoulder.

"Now, I know you're a big girl, Jillian, and I think you're strong enough to deal with all this. It's just rather overwhelming."

She did smile at that. Overwhelming was such an understatement.

"But the thing you've got to know is that Rodney is nae going to change. He is what he is. You're the one that's going to have to keep reminding him that you're there now. Only you can know if you're strong enough for that, if you love him enough for that. If you're not, you need to end it now before either one of you is hurt more."

She held the cup tightly, letting it warm her hands, thinking about what he said. She could see the future stretching out in front of her – Rodney gone on missions for days at a time, she would have no idea where he was or what was happening to him. Rodney working on things that only he could comprehend, risking his life over and over to save the city and people he loved, to save her. It made her heart ache in fear. And then she thought of him as she'd known him, sweet and tender and kind of manic and she knew she'd be there for him no matter what, because now she knew what her life was like with him in it and she couldn't imagine it any other way.

"I think I'll stick it out, thanks," she took a sip of the drink in her hand and made a face. It was strong and bitter, but it helped to steady her.

Beckett nodded thoughtfully, "I thought you'd say that. Now, I heard a rumor that he's asleep down in his lab. Maybe there's a better place for him to be sleeping. He is still recovering after all." He took the cup from her hand and helped her up. Impulsively she gave him a quick hug.

"Thanks, Dr. Beckett."

The doctor's face creased in a delighted grin, "It's my pleasure, lass. You've taken on the monster, the rest of us are here for back you up if you need us."

A giggle escaped and he gave her a push to the door.

"Now go and get him and take him home."

It took her a while to find Rodney's lab. There had been a tour of the entire facility when she had first arrived, or at least the part of the city that they were occupying. She had been in awe of the fact that she was in a city that was 10,000 years old and built by the Ancients. She kept hoping she would look in a room and see something that no one else had ever seen before. But it had been a blur of new faces and alien architecture. She had been unable to take it all in.

Then she began her rotation in the infirmary and everything else became secondary. Dr. Beckett insisted that all of his staff was intimately aware of the medical needs of all of the Atlantis personnel. He had a power point presentation complete with pictures and medical records so they would know exactly what they were dealing with in the Pegasus Galaxy. Rodney had been an hour all his own. It was the only reason she knew that day in the mess hall that Dr. Rodney McKay was allergic to citrus.

She finally had to stop a passing marine and ask for directions. He made a face and pointed out the proper corridor.

"You might want to avoid the labs right now, ma'am," he advised her, "I hear Dr. McKay's in a bad mood. That's never a good thing."

"I'll just have to risk it," she answered wryly. "Thanks."

She followed his instructions until she found the corridor. It was busy with white-coated scientists scurrying to and fro. But for all the activity it was strangely quiet. When she spotted the door to Rodney's lab she thought she knew why. There was a sign there, lettered in magic marker – "The beast sleeps, please be quiet."

Dr. Zelenka was sitting at his computer typing as quietly as he could manage when she entered. He looked up, a scowl on his face ready to pounce on any interloper. Relief swept across his face when he saw her. He launched himself from his stool and threw his arms around her.

"Please to take him out of here," he whispered urgently in her ear before fleeing the room himself.

Jillian followed the sounds of Rodney's soft snore to find him sleeping with his head on his work bench, pillowed on an outstretched arm, the other hand clutched an empty coffee cup. His short hair was spiked in little tufts, like he'd been pulling on it in frustration. Jillian paused to wonder if Radek had any photographic evidence before she shook him gently.

"What..." he muttered, not opening his eyes. "Leave me alone, I'm meditating here. Give me ten more minutes and I'll have come up with..."

"Rodney, come on, you can meditate better in your bed," she said running her fingers gently through his hair.

His eyes flew open in surprise. When he saw her standing there his lips curved into a little smile, "Hi."

"Hey," she smiled back. "I've missed you the last few days."

Realization flooded over his face and he sat abruptly, "Oh, god, I'm so sorry, I forgot about you," the words tumbled out. "I mean I didn't forget about you, I thought about you a lot, but first there was the Wraith and then they needed me to help to repair the damage done by the Wraith; and then when it was all over, I came here to try and get some work done and I lost track of time..." his words trailed off as he realized she was just watching him with a grin. "What?" he asked, the puzzlement genuine.

She shook her head, unsure if she could really put into words just how much she loved him. "I'm just not sure if I'm going to like sharing you with an entire damn city, but I guess I'm going to have to figure it out. Now are you coming, or would you rather stay here?"

He glanced at his computer and then back at her. She did her best to look alluring and seductive, but knowing she just wasn't carrying it off in the wrinkled scrubs she'd been wearing for two days. Still, he clicked off the computer and hopped off the stool. He stretched and she heard snaps and crackles. She winced in sympathy.

Then he took her hand and they went home.

~~~~~

When she found out she was pregnant, there was a party the likes of which Atlantis hadn't seen in 10,000 years. The first child born in Atlantis was a big deal and Jillian felt a little crushed by the sheer number of people who felt they should give her helpful advice and tips on being pregnant. She'd never before considered having a child, so she had no idea what to expect. From what she heard, she was certain she wasn't going to like it.

Rodney, on the other hand, was thrilled. The first week after she told him, he brought her treats and made her sit down whenever he saw her. He kept walking around with that mysterious look he got, the one where he knew something she didn't. Of course the new wore off very quickly and they returned to their now-established routine where Rodney would work for days in the lab until she'd had enough and would go make him leave. Radek became her partner in crime (or maybe it was for his own self-preservation) and he would email her when it became critical for Jillian to do an intervention.

She was surprised to find that as her pregnancy progressed Rodney was more supportive. Instead of being scared away by her morning sickness and mood swings, he brought her crackers and rubbed her back. He remained amazingly patient and even managed to remember to come home at a decent hour most of the time.

The off-world missions were the hard part.

He couldn't not go, it just wasn't an option. No one else had his expertise and he loved them too much, he cared about his team too much. She thought if she asked him not to, he might stay home on Atlantis for her, but then he wouldn't be the Rodney McKay that she knew and loved. So, she took to haunting the control room whenever she knew his team was due to return home. The personnel there became used to her presence and they'd ask polite questions about her pregnancy and tell her she was glowing.

~~~~

So, now she was a week overdue. Rodney's team was late returning home when he'd promised he'd be back and she was in labor and there was no way she was leaving until Rodney came back to be her Lamaze coach.

"Well, here you are," Carson's distinctive brogue made her jump.

She glared at the gate tech who studiously avoided her gaze.

"I've been looking for you everywhere, Jilly," he said softly. "How are you doing?"

She continued chewing on a fingernail and watched the gate. It stubbornly refused to do anything. She wanted to scream at it, throw things at it, but she just sat, chewing on her fingernail trying to remember to breathe as the pain grew inside of her.

Carson pulled her hand away from her mouth and wrapped his fingers around her wrist to take her pulse.

"I think it's time to get you to the infirmary," he said, his voice gentle.

She jerked her hand away. "I'm not going anywhere until Rodney comes home," she declared unequivocally.

"You're in labor, aren't you, lass?" Carson asked.

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, refusing to meet his eyes. "I'm fine, really," she insisted stubbornly. Even though she most definitely wasn't. She didn't like lying to Carson, but she wasn't leaving either until Rodney came walking back through the gate.

"You've been livin' too long with Rodney McKay, lass," Beckett muttered. "Don't make me call for..."

At that moment the gate began to light up.

"Unscheduled off-world activation," the tech called tightly.

There was a flurry of activity as marines rushed into the gateroom, weapons at the ready. Elizabeth appeared from somewhere.

"Carson, you need to get Jillian out of here," she said.

"I'm doing my best, Elizabeth," he answered evenly.

Carson hooked a hand under Jillian's elbow and helped her stand. The truth was, Jillian was past the point where she could have stood on her own. But she still refused to move from her spot, her eyes were fastened on the now open gate. The opening shimmered with the shield that would keep out unwanted visitors. Jillian took a step forward anxiously, and her knees buckled.

"Oh, bloody..." Carson caught her and tried to help her back into the chair, but now she refused to sit.

"Carson, please," she pleaded, clinging to him. She was suddenly aware of a pop and curiously enough she felt water running down her leg. A rising pain swamped her and she whimpered.

"Hang on," Carson said soothingly, easing her back into the chair. She didn't protest this time. She bit her lip as the pain kept pressing upon her.

Carson tapped his radio, "Medical team to the gateroom..." he began.

He was interrupted by the tech, "It's Colonel Sheppard's IDC," he announced urgently.

"Let them in," Elizabeth said, her attention split between the gate and Jillian.

The pain was becoming quickly more than she could bare, and the need to push was overwhelming, but Jillian's attention didn't stray from the gate. "Rodney?" she whispered. Using Carson, she levered herself back to her feet as Teyla emerged from the blue pool of the gate.

"We have a medical emergency," Teyla shouted to anyone listening.

Jillian was rooted to the spot, her eyes now fixed on the scene below them. Sheppard appeared, his weapon at the ready. He swung around just as Ronon emerged with Rodney's limp body slung over his shoulder. One hand hung down Ronon's back, swaying gently.

There were spots dancing in front of Jillian's eyes and there wasn't enough air in the room anymore.

"Holy crap," she heard Carson say as she found the room tilting and the floor came up to meet her.

~~~~~

It was the steady beep of the heart monitor that Rodney was aware of first. That was never good. He really hated waking up to that sound because it meant that inevitably there was going to be lots of pain. But not at the moment. He did an internal check and found that he felt like he was comfortably cocooned in cotton. The pain was there, but it was keeping its distant, he'd be just as happy if it stayed there.

Dimly he recalled running and an explosion and bright, hot pain. He couldn't quite remember if anyone else had been hurt and he needed to know. As much as he wanted to sink back into the comfortable haze of non pain, he forced his eyes open. He blinked until the infirmary came into focus and a shape swam into view. Rodney blinked again and it solidified into Sheppard bending over him.

"Hey, McKay," John said, hovering anxiously.

Sheppard had a bruise that covered the whole left side of his face and his eye was almost swollen shut. His lip was split and there was a bandage over his ear on the left side. He was stubbly and he looked like he hadn't slept in days, but he was alive and standing on his own power and he looked incredibly relieved to see Rodney awake.

Rodney licked his lips, trying to get his jumbled thoughts into some sort of order. John was okay, but what about Teyla and Ronon? Rodney squinted trying to see if they were just standing back, but they weren't anywhere in sight.

Rodney blinked back up at John. His shape kept shifting weirdly and it was making Rodney nauseous. He closed his eyes and swallowed, his throat dry and raspy. He opened his mouth to speak, to ask about the rest of the team, but nothing came out.

John knew the discomfort and the dry throat a body experienced when it was intubated, he was ready with a cup of ice. He shook out a sliver and slipped it between Rodney's lips. Rodney savored the coolness as it melted slowly, easing the dryness. It didn't help the anxiety that was making his heart beat faster though. He could hear it reflected in the heart monitor as it beat a more staccato rhythm.

John put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed, "Easy, McKay," he said. "You're alright."

Intuitively he knew what Rodney needed to know. It was probably the first thing John thought of when he woke up wounded in the infirmary, "Everyone's okay. Teyla and Ronon are fine. We're a little banged and battered, but everyone's okay. You took the brunt of the blast. We've really got to work on your running and ducking skills."

Rodney nodded, a bare tilt of his head. Relief was making him dizzy. He shut his eyes, listening to the heart monitor, letting it lull him back to sleep.

There was a cry like the sharp cry of a baby and his eyes snapped back open. Jillian. She wasn't there. He had woken up in the infirmary a couple of times over the past year that they'd been married and she'd been there every single time sitting next to Sheppard, whether she was on duty or not, waiting for him to wake up. But now she was nowhere to be seen. How could he have forgotten? Again the rhythm of the heart monitor picked up as panic began to set in.

John frowned down at him, trying to keep him still as Rodney shifted, "Calm down, Rodney."

Rodney attempted to lift himself so he could see better. John had to use both hands to press him back into the bed, attempting to restrain Rodney without hurting him more.

"Beckett is going to have a cow if you bust your stitches," he said sternly. "He spent hours making sure they were all pretty."

The pain washed through Rodney now, but he pushed through it, struggling to form the words. He pleaded with John with his eyes, trying to communicate his need.

"Where?" he managed to whisper. He really needed to know where Jillian was.

John squeezed his shoulder, trying to remain reassuring, but his eyes belied his concern. "You're in the infirmary, McKay. In Atlantis. Don't you remember?"

Rodney shook his head. "Not... what..." He pounded a fist weakly into the bed in frustration.

Carson appeared behind John, already tsking his disapproval.

"Rodney, you've got to calm down. This is nae good." A syringe appeared in his hand and he shouldered in between John and the bed.

"No, no, please," Rodney gasped. "Jillian," he finally managed to get out.

Beckett paused. He and John exchanged a cryptic look. Rodney knew then, somehow he had dreamed it all. There was no Jillian, there was no baby. He felt like he'd lost something valuable and irretrievable.

"Rodney, I need you to calm down, now," Carson injected the contents of the syringe into his IV.

Rodney felt the drug sweeping through him, making his body heavy and leaden. He felt his eyes trying to close and he fought against it.

"No, Carson," he begged.

"Now calm down," Carson insisted again. "I'm going to tell ya what you want to know, but I need you stay calm." Carson spoke slowly, letting the words percolate through Rodney's dazed and drug-hazed mind.

"Are you calm?" he asked.

Rodney nodded. He really wasn't, but the heart monitor was beating a more steady, even rhythm, and that convinced Beckett.

"Alright then, there was a bit of trouble with the delivery of the wee babe."

The fear that was choking him, eased. Rodney swallowed convulsively, his eyes burning with moisture. He hadn't dreamt everything, it was real.

Misreading the cause of his unease, Carson rushed to continue, "Now, it's nothing to be alarmed about. The lass is as stubborn as you and I thought she was goin' to refuse to have the bairn until you could be there, too. I swear, if anyone could have done it, it would be her. But the baby and mamma are both doin' well. I'm going to move her in here with you in a bit, but she's tuckered out right now and I thought she should be in a private room for a while to get her rest."

Rodney had never thought of himself as the marrying kind, of having to be at home at regular hours, of having someone who would make sure he ate right and bitch at him to pick up his dirty socks, but he was. He wanted Jillian and the baby. He had never needed a purpose for his genius. Just saving the people he cared about in Atlantis was enough, making the big discoveries and knowing that he could trust in himself had always been enough. But now that he knew he had someone waiting for him, waiting to hear about his day and to tell him to shut up when he complained too much about Kavanagh made him feel like he'd found something in life he never knew he wanted.

Rodney felt sleep's inexorable pull, but he looked at John for reassurance that what Carson was saying was really so. John grinned and nodded.

"It's a girl, McKay and she looks just like you with brown fuzz for hair and blue eyes like you've never seen. She has a pair of lungs on her, too. I think they heard her screaming clear on the mainland."

The relief made Rodney nearly giddy. He closed his eyes and slept, sure in the knowledge that all was well with his world.

~~~~~

It was a baby's cries that woke Rodney the next time. He stared at the ceiling, reflecting that it was still the most boring sight to wake up to. But god, it was always good to wake up and know you were in the infirmary, safe and in Atlantis. The beep of the heart monitor was gone and his thinking was clearer although the pain was more of a presence. Moving carefully, he turned his head to discover John Sheppard sitting next to him, a baby in his arms. He was making goofy faces at it.

Sitting in a chair beside him was Jillian. She was pale and exhausted-looking , but god, she was there. She smiled as John made stupid faces and held out her arms for the fussy baby.

"She's going to wake up Rodney," Jillian said in a hushed voice as John handed the baby over reluctantly.

"Too late," Rodney whispered feeling like the grin he couldn't hold back was going to break his face.

"McKay," John exclaimed as he stood. "Did you decide to rejoin the land of the living?"

"Well that's obvious, isn't it?" he snapped, just a little jealous that John Sheppard had gotten to hold his daughter before he did.

Jillian shouldered in next to John. She took Rodney's hand and squeezed his fingers gently. There were tears in her eyes. For just a heartbeat Rodney saw the unguarded fear reflected in her eyes – the fear she felt every time he went through the gate that he wasn't going to come back alive. Then he saw the love, too, and the determination that she would always be there for him no matter what.

Rodney squeezed her fingers back and the baby gave an offended squeal that no one was paying any attention to her. Jillian turned her so that Rodney could see his daughter properly for the first time. She looked just like he'd dreamed her a year before with a dusting of brown hair and brilliant blue eyes that regarded him with an intelligence that amazed and frightened him. He smoothed a finger over her soft little hands.

"So, McKay," Sheppard bounced on his heels, peeking over Jillian's shoulder trying to draw the baby's attention back to him. "What are you going to name her?"

Rodney opened his mouth and nothing came out. He'd just thought Jillian would have done that. He looked up at Jillian with a brow raised. She rolled her eyes at him.

"She doesn't have a name yet, Rodney, I didn't want to name her until you..." Jillian shrugged, not willing to finish the sentence but Rodney heard what she left unspoken. I didn't want to name her until you woke up, if you ever did.

He wished he could promise her that he wouldn't do it again, but he couldn't. So he settled for smiling a little crookedly and saying with a bit of his usual bravado, "I see that my input is vital to every operation, just as I thought," he clung to Jillian's fingers and felt her hanging on just as tightly. John stood back and watched them with a bemused smile and maybe he looked a little jealous of Dr. Rodney McKay.

"You said you had a name, but you never would tell me what it was," Jillian said, just a hint of reproof in her tone. She'd wheedled and bribed him for weeks, but he wouldn't give up the name. It seemed silly now, but he'd been superstitious, too, of giving up the name too soon. Of somehow jinxing their good fortune. Now, he was hesitant, what if she hated the name? What if there was one Jillian wanted to use more?

He took a breath, just a small one, because anything too deep hurt. "My mother's name was Margaret." He searched Jillian's eyes trying to see how she felt about the name.

Jillian looked down at the bundle in her arms and back to Rodney. When she smiled, Rodney let out the breath he hadn't been aware he'd been holding.

"I like it. Maggie McKay, meet your daddy," Jillian laid the baby carefully in Rodney's arms. Maggie stopped her fussing and made herself comfortable before shutting her eyes and dropping into sleep.

Feeling the baby sleeping on his chest, Rodney had an odd sense of déjà vu and he realized that he'd finally caught up with his dream self. From here on he wasn't certain where his life was going, but that had been true since he set foot in Atlantis.

And so far everything had turned out okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my beta chocolatephysicist. Any mistakes remaining are my own.


End file.
